Go, Deidara, Go!
by Air Condition
Summary: The Akatsuki decide to try making a television show for some extra money. So, they make a cheap ripoff of 'Go, Diego, Go' with Deidara as the star! Perhaps they could've found a better way to make money?
1. TOBI!

A/N: This was a random one-shot after seeing a very funny pic that a friend sent me.

* * *

Go, Deidara, Go!

Episode One

* * *

Oh. Oh. Oh... ah

Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
Molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,  
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Deidara. Deidara. Deidara. Go, Deidara, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Deidara is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
blowing up each other is good for everyone!  
And there goes Deidara... Deidara. Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!

* * *

"Hi! My name is Deidara! And this is my boss, Pein! We're Akatsuki rescuers!" Deidara said.

"Hello, worthless children." Pein said.

The two of them stood in silence for about a minute.

No, your television is not frozen.

"Senpai! Senpai!"

"Uh Oh! It sounds like someone is in trouble!" Deidara exclaimed.

"…How can you tell…? He could just be very excited." Pein said.

"Shut it! He's in danger!" Deidara said.

"...Right... We need to see who it is. We should go find Neji! He can find the person in

trouble!" Pein said.

"Good idea! Let's go!" Deidara said, walking over to a small trap door in the room.

Deidara opened the trap door.

"Aaaghh! The light! It burns! Have the angels finally come to take me out of this prison?" Neji asked.

"No... You need to help us find the person in trouble." Deidara said.

"Can't you do that yourself?" Neji asked.

"NO! Come here!" Deidara said, pulling him out of the hole.

Deidara dragged Neji over to a window.

"Uh... Hi everyone! I'm Neji Hyuuga! Deidara needs to find out who is in danger! Using my Byakugan, I can find whoever is in trouble! Say Byakugan!" Neji said.

(A/N: I couldn't find click the camera's theme song. If you have it, tell me please!)

"Byakugan!" The children shouted.

"Good! The animal… Er... person in trouble sounds like this: 'Senpai! Senpai!'" Neji said.

"Let's ZOOOOOOOOM across the land, to find the person who says 'Senpai! Senpai!'".

They zoomed in on someone.

"Is this the person in trouble?" Neji asked.

"Believe it! Believe it!"

"No! That's Naruto!" Neji said.

They zoomed through a forest to another person.

"Is THIS the person in trouble?" Neji asked again.

"Itachi... You will die!"

"No, that's Sasuke. And there's Orochimaru! Aw, they're so cute together!" Neji said.

They zoomed past some steel walls on another person.

"Is THIS the person in trouble?" Neji asked.

"Senpai! Senpai!"

"Yes! It's Tobi! You tell Deidara that we found the person in trouble!" Neji said.

Neji looked over at Deidara.

"…Um… Deidara...?" Neji asked.

Deidara was fast asleep on a chair.

Neji poked him in the face.

"…Five more minutes… Un..." Deidara said.

"But we found the person in trouble!" Neji complained.

Deidara sat up.

"Jeez, Neji. Took you long enough! Can't you tell the difference between 'Senpai' and 'Believe it'?" He asked.

"Uh…" Neji said.

Deidara pushed him back down into the hole past the trap door.

"Don't keep captives in your house, children. They're too much work." Deidara said to the

camera.

The children just looked at him with a confused expression on their faces.

"Uh… Okay. Let's go!" Deidara said, walking out of the lair.

"Wait!" Pein yelled.

"What?" Deidara asked.

"Do you even know where Tobi is?" Pein asked.

"…Maybe..." He said.

"Neji!" Pein said.

"Angels?" Neji asked.

"No. Where is Tobi?" Pein asked.

"He's in prison." Neji said.

"There... NOW you can go find him." Pein said.

"...Okay... Let's go!" Deidara said.

Deidara walked outside, to the edge of the tree house deck.

"Ready? We need to use my CLAY to get TO the PRISON!" Deidara said. "Ready? Close your hand and. MOLD!"

The children didn't really know how to mold clay with only one hand closed around it.

they didn't have a second tongue to do it for them. Nor did they actually have any clay.

Deidara threw his mold to the ground and watched it grow.

"Alright! Let's go!" Deidara said, jumping onto its back.

The eagle took off, and started towards the prison.

Then, some random parrots came out of nowhere, and started singing.

"Um... STALKER PARROTS!" Deidara yelled upon seeing them.

Five minutes later, Deidara was ready to kill the annoying singing stalker parrots.

Then, before he knew it, he was heading strait for a large boulder.

"Uh-oh! We could hit that boulder! How can we get past the boulder?" He asked the

screen.

"Go around it!" The children shouted.

"Blow it up! Right!" He said.

The children wondered if he had hearing problems...

Deidara reached into his pocket, and took out some clay.

But, he wasn't fast enough.

The giant eagle slammed into the rock.

The television screen went blue.

'A technical difficulty has occurred. We will be back on the air as soon as possible' it read. That message was up for about ten minutes.

After it was done:

"Stupid rock with and it's fu. er. Hi, kids." Deidara said, after seeing that the camera was rolling. "...Um... Sorry about that. Looks like I have to walk to the prison now." He said, looking at the path.

But, the singing the parrots were still bothering him.

So, he threw a bomb into each of them… and blew them up.

He walked onto the path. A very heavy fog covered the path ahead.

"Where is the prison?" Deidara asked, looking at the camera, rather than the road.

Then, all the fog on the path cleared away.

"THERE!" The kids shouted.

"Where?" He asked, not even bothering to look behind him.

"THERE!" The kids screamed again.

Deidara finally turned around.

"Right! There it is!" He said pointing at the prison.

So, he started running along the path.

Once he reached the prison gate, it was a dead end. Or so it seemed.

He blew the door down.

Some prison guards came storming out of the gate.

"We have you surrounded!" They shouted, aiming their guns.

"This is a little kid show! Put away your guns..." Deidara said.

The guards put away their guns, but took up their clubs.

"No violence, you fools." Deidara said.

They put the clubs away.

"Now I just want Tobi back." He said.

"No." One guard said.

"What if he promises to be good?" Deidara asked.

"…Fine..." The guard said.

They went over to his cell.

"We'll let you go if you promise to be good, Tobi." One guard said.

"NEVER! Tobi is evil!" Tobi screamed.

"Now Tobi... Be good." Deidara said.

"…B-but... Sempai…" Tobi started.

"Tobi…" Deidara said again.

"…Tobi promises…" Tobi said.

The guards let him out.

Deidara and Tobi walked out of the prison.

"Idiots…" Deidara said, as soon as they were out.

"Senpai…Why is Tobi being an even GOODER boy?" Tobi asked.

"You're not. We lied." He said.

"Oh. Tobi doesn't understand." Tobi said.

"Just shut up. You're free, stop asking questions." Deidara said.

"Yes, senpai." Tobi said.

They walked down the path for a bit, heading towards the base.

Then, a fork in the road.

"Uh oh. Which way do we go?" Deidara asked the camera.

"...Senpai. Who are you talking to…?" Tobi asked.

"The little people, Tobi." He said.

"Little people?" Tobi asked.

"Yes." He said. "So which way do we go?"

Of course, the kids had no way of knowing which path was the correct one.

Zetsu came down the path to the left.

"Hey, Zetsu." Deidara said.

"ZETSU HUNGRY!" Zetsu screamed.

"...Um… O-okay..." Deidara said, not sure how to respond.

"ZETSU SHALL EAT YOU!" Zetsu cried.

"Um… How 'bout not...?" Deidara said.

"Yeah, you're right, I couldn't eat... THE HELL I COULDN'T EAT YOU!" Zetsu

screamed.

"Okay, let's calm down and." Deidara started.

"Yeah, you're right, I should calm… NO! SO HUNGRY!" Zetsu cried.

"…Tobi… On three... We run." Deidara said.

"No, Zetsu couldn't eat us, sempai!" Tobi said, positive that Zetsu could control himself.

Tobi walked right up to Zetsu.

"Zetsu, tell senpai to calm down." Tobi said.

"Yeah, I would never… YES I WOULD!" Zetsu said, reaching for Tobi.

Deidara pulled Tobi away just before Zetsu bit his finger off.

"OKAY, NOT SURE THE RIGHT IS THE CORRECT PATH, BUT WE WON'T GET

EATEN!" Deidara said, running down the path, dragging Tobi behind him.

Zetsu chased after them.

"…Zetsu… Zetsu almost hurt Tobi!" Tobi screamed.

"Yes, I know. But we need to get him off of our tail!" Deidara said.

"Get Zetsu something else to eat, sempai." Tobi suggested.

"Like what? He's a cannibal!" Deidara said.

"BELIEVE IT! BELIEVE IT!" Someone screamed.

"Uh-oh. That sounds like Naruto. That little ninja is ALWAYS causing trouble." Deidara

said.

"Feed Naruto to Zetsu!" Tobi suggested.

"That's a great idea, Tobi." He said.

Naruto unfortunately happened to hear this.

"SHADOW CLONE JUTSU!" He screamed.

Then, millions of Naruto clones surrounded Zetsu.

"…And I thought one was annoying enough..." Deidara said, watching Zetsu try to eat them.

Eventually, Zetsu was too exhausted to keep biting. He stopped, and walked away.

"…That worked out well..." Deidara said.

"Tobi hungry." Tobi said.

"Great. What do you want?" He asked.

"Tobi wants sugar!" Tobi said.

"No sugar for you." Deidara said.

"SUGAR!" He screamed.

"Okay, okay… Uh... We'll go to that seven-eleven with the parking lot that took away five acres of the forest." Deidara said.

"YAY!" Tobi screamed.

So, they walked all the way to that seven-eleven.

"Okay, here's the chocolate bar. How much?" He asked the store clerk.

"Five bucks." He said.

"FIVE?" He screamed.

"Yes. Is that a problem, sir?" He asked.

"...I can't believe... Okay, kids. Help me count out five dollars..." He said, taking out his wallet.

"One… Two… Three… Wait... what comes after three?" He asked.

"Four." One kid said.

"Five.? Okay. Here, sir." He said, handing the money to the clerk.

"Sir, you need another dollar." He said.

"No, that's five." He said.

"No, this is four." The clerk told him.

"You're just trying to cheat me out of my hard earned cash!" Deidara said.

"No." The clerk said.

"Yes!" Deidara said.

He planted a small piece of clay under the counter, and ran out with Tobi and that little

chocolate bar.

The seven-eleven went 'boom'.

"Tobi, here is your chocolate bar." He said, handing it to him.

Tobi took a bite, and then spit it out.

"EW! This one has nuts in it! Tobi hates nuts!" Tobi said.

"EAT IT!" Deidara screamed.

Tobi stuffed the thing in his mouth, and swallowed.

"Good. Now let's go back to the base." Deidara said.

So, they finally got back to the base.

Pein had fallen asleep in his office chair.

Tobi poked him.

"LEADER! TOBI IS HOME!" Tobi screamed.

Pein jolted up.

"Oh. Okay, cool. Time to do that stupid little fact book thingy." He said, turning his

computer on.

"Okay." Deidara said.

"Does Tobi eat CHOCOLATE or YOUR MOM?" Deidara asked.

"Chocolate… I hope." One kid said.

"Chocolate, right!" Deidara said.

A piece of a picture moved into the corner of the screen.

"Was Tobi almost eaten by ZETSU or YOUR PET SNAKE?" Deidara asked.

"Zetsu?" One kid said.

"Zetsu, right." Deidara said.

Another piece of the picture moved into the screen.

"Is Tobi a GOOD BOY or a BAD BOY?" Deidara asked.

"A bad boy." One kid said.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" Tobi screamed.

"Yes... a good boy, right." Deidara said.

A third piece moved into the screen.

"Hey. We're almost done with the puzzle!" Pein said.

Then, a popup came onto the computer.

"…No, I'm not interested in cheaper groceries..." Pein said, closing the pop-up window.

"…Anyway... Uh… Help me think of a question." Deidara said.

"Oh, screw the question. Just put the stupid puzzle piece up there." Pein said, clicking on a button.

The final piece moved into place.

"Hey, it's a picture of Tobi from the Christmas party! Let's put it in our Akatsuki scrap

book!" Deidara said, removing the picture from the printer.

"…Okay… Time for that really obnoxious song." Pein said.

"…Yup… get ready." Deidara said, picking up some earmuffs.

"TOBI!" Tobi screamed.

"…say it louder..." Pein said.

"TOBI!" Tobi cried again.

"…Say it again..." Pein said.

"TOBI!" Tobi screamed.

"Okay, enough screaming. We get it. We're done now." Pein said.

Deidara took the earmuffs off.

"I actually don't consider that a song. I think of it more as… a… chant." Deidara said.

"Yeah, I see what you mean. But anyway, say goodbye so that camera gets out of our

faces." Pein said.

"Bye everyone." Deidara said.

"TOBI!" Tobi screamed once more.

"Tobi, shut up. We're done now." Deidara said.

"But Tobi is having fun." Tobi said.

"...Just turn the camera off, please…" Deidara said to the cameraman.

* * *

A/N: That was the effect of anger, boredom, and a very funny e-mail. More coming soon.

Return t


	2. Konan

Go, Deidara, go!

Episode 2

* * *

Oh… Oh... Oh... ah  
Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
Molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,  
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Deidara... Deidara... Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Deidara is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
blowing up each other is good for everyone!  
And there goes Deidara... Deidara… Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!

* * *

"No, Tobi… That's cheating!" Deidara yelled.

"No it's not." Tobi said.

"Yeah it is. You can't possibly have four aces by luck!" He said.

"Duh. Tobi had them up his sleeve." Tobi said.

"That would be cheating." Deidara told him.

"...Oh... Tobi didn't know!" Tobi said.

"Tobi, I know you did. You've played poker before!" Deidara screamed.

"Tobi thinks that Deidara-senpai should shut the fu…" Tobi started.

"No swearing!" Deidara yelled.

"Tobi says that Tobi can swear if he wants to!" Tobi said.

Deidara looked to his left, and saw the cameras.

"…What are you still doing here...?" He asked the cameraman.

"Well, because the show was so popular, we're making more episodes!" The cameraman said.

"No way… Go find someone else!" Deidara said.

"But you're getting paid!" The camera man said.

Then, Kakuzu ran into the room.

"MONEY? WHERE?" He screamed.

"You don't get paid until this episode is done." The camera man said.

Kakuzu ran up to Deidara.

"FOR THE SAKE OF CASH, DO IT!" Kakuzu shouted.

"No." Deidara said.

"DO IT OR I RIP YOUR ARM OFF!" He said.

"NO! THEN I CAN'T MAKE MY BEAUTIFUL ART! OKAY, OKAY, I'LL DO IT!" Deidara cried.

"Good." He said.

"...I can't really do anything if no one is in danger, though..." Deidara said.

"…Hm… You have a point there." Kakuzu said.

Then, something very convenient happened.

"NO! MY ORIGAMI!" Someone screamed.

"...That sounds like danger to me..." Kakuzu said.

"…Great… Okay, I wonder who it is." He said.

"Tobi thinks that Neji can help." He said.

An evil smile stretched across Deidara's face.

"...Senpai...?" Tobi asked.

"Watch this." He said, taking out some clay.

He molded it into an angel.

It grew, to the size of a normal human being.

It walked over to the trap door, where Neji was being held.

The angel opened the trap door, and lifted Neji out.

"ANGELS! I knew you would come for me! I knew you wouldn't let me rot here!" Neji said, hugging the clay figure.

"...Make it go boom…" Tobi said.

"If I did that, it would kill Neji." Deidara said.

"So?" Tobi asked.

"We need him, stupid." Deidara said.

"Oh."

But, Deidara had another idea.

"Tobi. Go get Hidan." He said.

"…Why...?" Tobi asked.

"Just get him." Deidara said.

So, he did.

"Hidan. Go cut the angel's head off." Deidara said.

"Why the hell would I do that?" Hidan asked.

"...Because... Because it's trying to hurt Joshin!" Deidara said.

"NEVER! I SHALL SAVE YOU, JOSHIN, MY LORD!" He said, charging at the angel.

He cut the angel's head off.

It melted.

Then, Hidan walked away.

"...Angel... NOOOOOOOO!" Neji cried.

"Neji… The angel will come back if you help us find the person in danger!" Deidara said.

"Really? BYAKUGAN!" Neji screamed, walking over to the window.

"Do the little people have to help you again, Neji?" Deidara asked.

"YES! Children, help me!" Neji cried.

"Yes, Neji." The children said.

"Okay. We need to find the person who is getting some origami thing wrecked!" Neji said. "Let's ZOOM across the land, to find the paper-folding person!" He said.

They zoomed in on someone.

"Is this the person in trouble?" Neji asked.

"SASUKE-KUN!"

"…No… Damn it that's Sakura." Neji said.

They zoomed in on another person.

"Is THIS the person in trouble?" He asked.

"Human flesh!"

"...No... That's Zetsu. And there's a dead body... Oh my god that's nasty. MOVING ON!" Neji screamed.

They zoomed in on yet another person.

"Is THIS the person in trouble?" Neji asked.

"NO! MY ORIGAMI!"

"Yeah. Hey, it's Konan!" Neji said. "And there's Sasuke. Burning some paper cranes. Okay then."

At that precise moment, Pein ran in.

"KONAN! NOOOOOO!" He screamed out the window.

He ran over to the camera, and started shaking it.

"CHILDREN! GET HER BACK OR I WILL HAVE YOUR HEADS!" He screamed, knocking the camera to the ground.

"Okay, someone get him some sedatives." Deidara said, watching Pein scream at the camera.

So, that's just what Tobi did.

Hidan pinned Pein down, and Tobi stuffed the pills into his mouth, and forced him to

swallow.

Then, they tied Pein to his office chair.

"We better get going before that wears off." Deidara said.

"CAN TOBI COME?" Tobi asked.

"...Uh... I suppose." He said, walking to the deck.

"...Wait... Where is Konan?" Tobi asked.

"...Well, I'm assuming she's over there, with all that smoke..." He said, pointing to a large smoke cloud rising from the forest

"Oh." Tobi said.

"Okay, children. Since I now know that you have no knowledge of art, I shall mold, and you shall watch." He said, taking some clay from his bag.

".Tobi sees no children, senpai." Tobi said.

"...I do..." He said.

".Is senpai on hallucinogens.?" Tobi asked.

"...Um… Of course not." He said.

"Tobi thinks senpai is on hallucinogens." Tobi said.

"Shut up Tobi! I'm trying to concentrate." He said, closing his hand around the clay.

"Yes, Senpai." He said.

He molded it into an owl.

He got on the owl, and Tobi followed soon after.

"...Wait... We need to make sure that there are no singing stalker parrots." He said.

"Yep, Senpai is definitely on hallucinogens." Tobi said.

Deidara punched him.

"Shut it, Tobi." He said.

The owl took off, heading towards the smoke.

Then… Some robotic parrots came, and started singing.

"...Senpai... Why are those parrots singing?" Tobi asked.

"Ignore them." Deidara said.

The owl landed near the smoke. Deidara didn't want to go INTO the smoke with the owl.

"...I can't see past the smoke…" Deidara said.

"Tobi can't either." Tobi said.

"Let's ask the little people." Deidara said, turning to the camera.

"Can YOU see through the smoke?" Deidara asked.

Then, the smoke just disappeared, because little kid shows are THAT lame.

"Where is the fire?" Deidara asked.

"THERE!" The kids shouted.

"Where?" Deidara asked, still looking at the camera.

"THERE!" The kids shouted again.

Deidara turned around.

"…Wait... Where did all the... Whatever…" He said, after seeing that the smoke was gone.

"There's the fire, senpai." Tobi said.

"Yes I see it." Deidara said.

They walked over to the fire. Konan was nowhere in sight. Just a bunch of little squares of paper…. and Sasuke, trying to burn every last one of them.

"...Sasuke, what did you do to Konan…?" Tobi asked.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" He screamed.

"Wonderful. But you can't, because this is program is rated 'G'." Deidara said.

"You think I care?" Sasuke asked.

"...You should..." Deidara said.

"But I don't." Sasuke said.

"That's nice. So what did you do to Konan?" Deidara asked again.

"Nothing, she's right there." Sasuke said, pointing to the pile of papers.

"...I forgot about that…" Deidara said.

"SASUKE CUT KONAN UP INTO LITTLE PIECES!" Tobi screamed.

"No, Konan did that all by herself." Deidara said.

"KONAN KILLED KONAN!" Tobi screeched.

"No, she's fine. Just. On fire." Deidara said.

"Tobi thinks that we should put the fire out." Tobi said.

"Yeah. But first we have to get rid of Sasuke." Deidara said.

"How.?" Tobi asked.

"The same way all little kids get rid of people like him. Just tell him to go away." Deidara said.

"Okay. Tobi doesn't see how that's going to work. But. Sasuke, go away."

"NEVER!" Sasuke screamed.

But, some random ninja came out of nowhere, and carried him away.

"I told you, Tobi." Deidara said.

"Tobi is amazed." Tobi said.

"I know." Deidara said.

".Now we need to put out the fire." Tobi said.

"Kids. SAY RESCUE CLAY!" Deidara screamed.

"Rescue clay.?" The children asked.

Then, that little bag of clay jumped off of Deidara's belt, and into a very randomly-placed spotlight.

"RESCUE CLAY!" The bag screamed.

"I'm rescue clay. Comin' to the rescue! Arráscate! Rescue clay! Comin' to the rescue! I'm rescue clay, I got your… Uh... leg. I can turn into an eagle or an Tamarack! A snow hare, a blue bird, whatever you need! We can do it! Nothing to it! I'm rescue clay! Comin' to the rescue! Arráscate! Rescue clay! Comin' to the rescue! I'm rescue clay!" The bag sang.

"YO!" It screamed.

By now, the kids were in there mother's arms, petrified of the singing bag.

"So anyway, Deidara needs an animal that can put out that fire." It said.

The kids came back to the television screens.

The bag spit out some clay. The clay transformed into a butterfly.

"Can a BUTTERFLY put out the fire?" The bag asked.

"No." The kids said.

"No. It would just burn." The bag said.

The clay transformed into a hump-backed whale.

"Can a WHALE put out the fire?" The bag asked.

The kids didn't answer.

"YES!" The bag said.

"How the hell is a whale gonna put out that fire?" Deidara asked the bag.

"By... Covering it up, and depriving it of oxygen." The bag said.

"Yes, because one ton of weight won't kill konan. Keep thinking." Deidara told the bag.

"Fine." The bag said.

The clay transformed again, this time turning into an owl.

"Can an OWL put the fire out?" The bag asked.

"No." the kids said.

"YES!" The bag yelled.

"How.?" Deidara asked.

"By blowing the fire out. It can create a big gust with its wings." The bag said.

"Alright. We'll try that." Deidara said.

The owl grew to the size of a small plane, and flew above konan.

The owl flapped its wings, creating a very strong wind. The fire went out, but it also blew ten pieces of paper away.

"Nice job." Deidara said sarcastically.

".Hey, the fire's out." The bag said.

"Shut up and get back on my belt." Deidara said.

The bag did as it was told.

"Well in order for konan to get back together, we need to find those pieces of paper. They went towards that lake over there." Deidara said, pointing at the lake.

"CHARGE!" Tobi screamed, running towards the lake.

"Oh, Tobi." Deidara said, following close behind him.

The rest of Konan rolled after them.

Five minutes into the walk, Deidara's left mouth opened up.

"Deidara?" It asked.

Deidara looked at his hand.

"OH MY GOD IT SPEAKS!" Deidara screamed.

"Yes." The hand said.

"What do you want from me?" Deidara asked.

"Dude, chill. It's Hidan." The hand said.

"OH MY GOD I ATE HIDAN!" Deidara screamed.

"No. We installed a speaker in your left hand's mouth. You know, so we can talk to you." Hidan said.

"When the hell did you do that and why was I not aware of this?" Deidara asked.

"We did it the other day. And we figured that we would surprise you!" Hidan said.

"What do you want.?" Deidara asked.

"Pein's sedatives are wearing off. Hurry up." Hidan said.

The mouth closed.

Deidara kept walking towards the lake.

Tobi was already there when Deidara arrived.

"Tobi sees the paper." Tobi said, pointing at the water.

"That's just great. I wonder how many pieces Konan is missing." Deidara said.

The rest of konan split up, and then regrouped, spelling 'ten'.

"Either you're telling me that you're missing ten pieces, or that was a very big coincidence." Deidara said.

".How many are in the lake.?" Tobi asked.

"I don't know. Kids, help me count." Deidara said.

The cameraman stood up.

"You have to count in Spanish." He said.

"Why the hell do I have to do that.? I don't know Spanish at all!" Deidara said.

"…Just... Do your best."

Another camera man stood up.

"He can't even count in English, as we saw last time!" He said.

"He can try, can't he.?" The first man asked.

".Uh. Okay. Uno. Dos. tres. cuatro. cinco. seis. siete. ocho. nueve. Uh. diez?" He asked.

"Wow. Nice job." The second man said.

".Yeah. and that's exactly how many pieces are in that lake. How convenient." Deidara said.

".How do we get them out.?" Tobi asked.

"Um. Swim, I guess." Deidara said.

"Tobi can't swim." Tobi said.

"Hm… Oh! YOU!" He shouted, pointing at the cameraman.

".Me.?" He asked.

"Yeah, you. You can swim, right?" Deidara asked.

"Yes. Why.?" He asked.

"You can go get the pieces for us!" Deidara exclaimed.

"You have to do it yourself." The man said.

"Do it or I blow up your camera." Deidara told him.

"NO! I'll get in so much trouble if this camera is damaged. FINE!" He said, walking over to the edge of the lake.

The camera man jumped in, and retrieved the paper.

"They're a bit soggy, but. Here." He said, handing the pieces to Deidara.

"Eh, whatever. Here, Konan." He said, dropping the pieces into the pile.

The papers piled on top of each other, until Konan was standing.

"Thanks… I think." She said.

"We better get back before Pein destroys the place." Deidara said.

"Yeah." Konan said.

So, they did.

Pein was running around with a baseball bat.

Hidan was chasing behind him with his scythe.

"STOP THAT!" Hidan screamed.

"NEVER!" Pein yelled back.

"Oh wow. Pein?" Konan asked.

Pein looked over.

"KONAN!" He screamed, dropping the bat.

He tackled her.

"GET OFF OF ME!" She screamed.

Pein got up.

"Uh. Sorry. THANK YOU LITTLE PEOPLE!" He screamed at the camera.

"HEY!" Deidara said.

"Oh, right. Thanks, Deidara." Pein said.

"TOBI!" Tobi screamed.

"And Tobi." Pein said.

"Time for the puzzle." Deidara said.

Pein turned on the computer.

".Is Konan afraid of FIRE or RABBITS?" Pein asked.

"Fire.?" The kids asked.

"Good." Pein said.

The first puzzle piece moved into place.

"Can Konan cut herself into pieces of PAPER or PIE?" Deidara asked.

"Paper." One kid said.

"Paper, right." Deidara said.

The second piece moved into place.

"Is Konan a GIRL or a BOY?" Deidara asked.

"Girl?" the kids asked.

"A GIRL! RIGHT!" Pein said.

The third piece moved into place.

".Hey. We're almost done with the puzzle!" Pein said.

"Is Konan's partner HIDAN or PEIN?" Deidara asked.

The children didn't answer. They had no idea.

".ME YOU IDIOTS.!" Pein screamed.

"PEIN!" They screamed.

"Good." Pein said.

The last piece moved into place.

"Hey! It's... a... nude... picture... of... konan… oh wow." Deidara said, looking away from the screen.

"WHY THE HELL IS THAT ON YOUR COMPUTER?" Konan screamed at Pein.

"I... Uh." Pein started.

Konan walked up to the camera.

"Turn the camera off. This is about to get ugly." She said.


	3. An FAQ Proposition

Kakuzu's idea…

"Deidara?" Sasori asked.

Sasori walked into the computer room. Kakuzu was typing away.

"What are you doing?" Sasori asked.

"Do you have one of the cameras with you?" Kakuzu asked, not bothering to turn around.

"Um… Yeah, why?" Sasori asked.

"Give it to me." Kakuzu said.

Sasori motioned the cameraman over.

"With Deidara gone, we're losing money." He told the camera.

"MONEY?! WE NEED TO FIND DEIDARA, YOU GREED-DRIVEN RAG DOLL!" Sasori screamed.

"Rag doll? Look at you, Mr. Puppet. You shouldn't be talking." Kakuzu said.

"WELL AT LEAST I'M FOCUSED ON THE TASK AT HAND!" Sasori yelled.

"Shut up. Anyway, with him gone, we need a new source of income. So, we're starting an FAQ. At the beginning of each episode, we'll answer your questions… For 50 bucks…" Kakuzu said.

"Okay, we'll answer questions… But they don't have to pay… That would be stupid…" Sasori said.

"Whatever… Anyway, nothing stupid like: 'when's the next episode?'... DO YOU WANT US TO PUT PEOPLE IN DANGER?! Actually… That's not a bad idea… Hm…"

"KAKUZU! NO! But fine, we'll answer the questions… just… leave us a review or something to ask… no PM's to the author, though. Okay? Too much work… There… happy, Kakuzu? Can we get back to finding Deidara now?" Sasori asked.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."


	4. Go, Sasori, Go!

Go Deidara go!

Episode 6

* * *

Oh... Oh... Oh... ah  
Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
Molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,  
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Deidara... Deidara... Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Deidara is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
blowing up each other is good for everyone!  
And there goes Deidara... Deidara. Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!

* * *

"Sempai?" Tobi asked, knocking on Deidara's door.

"Look, I'm sorry I said you had girly hips. I was kidding, I've seen them, and they're not girly. Come out!" Sasori yelled.

"Sempai! Wait… Where did Sasori see Sempai's hips?" Tobi asked.

"None of your business… Where is he?" Sasori asked.

"Tobi doesn't know…" Tobi said.

Pein walked in.

"You two should see this." He said, handing them the video watch.

Sasori and Tobi shoved the tape in, and looked at the screen. Neji and Deidara were in a cage, with a small black figure in front of the cage…

"GET ME OUTA HERE! I'M GOING CRAZY! THE STUPID THEME SONGS! THE KINDNESS! IT'S… TOO CUTE! LOOK AT NEJI!" Deidara screamed.

"M-m-m-my… D-d-d-d…destiny… t-t-to… D-d-d-die… here… and… n-never… see… light…ag-g-g-g-again…" Neji said.

"I DON'T WANNA GO CRAZY!" Deidara yelled.

"Hi! If you want to FREE your friends, you have to STOP AIRING your SHOW!" The black figure said.

Kakuzu ran in.

"NOT WITH MONEY ON THE LINE! Maybe if you pay us… It'll cost extra to take Neji off your hands." Kakuzu yelled.

"Kakuzu!" Sasori yelled.

"What?" He asked.

"That doesn't work!" Sasori said.

"Yes it does. The two of them are annoying enough, soon he'll BEG us to take them off his hands… and if we shove Tobi in there…" Kakuzu said.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE IT DOESN'T…" Sasori started.

"JASHIN'S SAKE!" Hidan yelled.

"SHUT UP, HIDAN! KAKUZU, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!" Sasori yelled.

"Well then, we'll make this an episode." Kakuzu said.

"But-" Sasori started.

"You'll take Deidara's place today." Kakuzu said.

"But I-" Sasori started again.

"Go get ready." Kakuzu said.

"Tobi can help." Tobi said.

"I really don't think-" Sasori started again.

"DANNA! COME ON! YOU DON'T WANNA BE A REAL BOY, I DON'T WANNA BE STUCK IN AN ASYLUM!" Deidara yelled.

"Most think you're already crazy." Kakuzu said.

"Look who's talking." Deidara said.

"Hey. People love me! I have Fangirls, thank you very much." Kakuzu said.

"Yeah, how many? Two?" Deidara asked.

"Well, I'm not chased out of my own room by a giant Fangirl mob on a weekly basis." Kakuzu said.

"I'm taking that as a compliment." Deidara said.

"Well, don't." Kakuzu said.

"Stop! Fighting isn't nice! I'm scared of fighting!" The black figure said.

"How old are you, kid? Four? What kind of kidnapper is afraid of fighting?" Sasori yelled.

"Um… I don't know." It said.

"How about this? You give them back or I'll show you something to be afraid of!" Sasori yelled.

"That's not nice." It said.

"NICE? I'LL SHOW YOU NICE!" Sasori yelled.

"Okay! First, you gotta say you're sorry." It said.

"You don't understand sarcasm, do you?" Sasori asked.

"Nope."

"It's gonna be a long day…" Sasori said.

"Go get ready!" Kakuzu said again.

"Okay, okay." Sasori said, walking to his room.

"Hm… I suppose we need a new theme song for this episode… CUE THE MUSIC!"

* * *

Oh... Oh... Oh... ah  
Go Sasori Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
Making human puppets and throwing a kunai,  
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Sasori... Sasori... Sasori... Go, Sasori, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Sasori is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
Making more puppets is good for everyone!  
And there goes Sasori... Sasori…. Sasori... Go, Sasori, Go!

* * *

"There we go." Kakuzu said, satisfied with the music.

But then… something weird happened… The lair's door opened…

"HEY, EVERYONE! I'M HERE!" Someone yelled.

Tobi went to the door to see who it was.

"Sempai?" He asked, after seeing the visitor.

The guest looked almost exactly like Deidara… hm…

Sasori walked in, and stared at the guest for a minute.

"I suppose he didn't tell you, did he?" The guest asked.

"Deidara, stop playing around, and go get into your normal clothes… you look weird in a skirt… And go get Neji out of wherever you put him…" Sasori said.

"Aw, I don't look that much like my cousin! Though auntie rose DID say we had a few similarities… Wait… That boy still didn't get a haircut, did he?" The guest asked.

"Your cousin?" Sasori asked.

"Well, sure. I'm Deidara's cousin, Dorothy!" She said.

"Since when does he have a cousin named Dorothy?" Sasori asked.

"Since we were born…" She said.

"Why does he not tell me these things?" Sasori asked.

"Well, he probably wanted to surprise you! Oh, hang on. I gotta go get my pet lemur." She said, walking back outside.

"Pet… Lemur…?" Sasori asked.

"Tobi doesn't like lemurs." Tobi said.

"Neither to I…" Sasori said.

Dorothy came in with a lemur, a backpack, and a GPS.

"…What's the lemur's name…?" Sasori asked.

"Mittens." Dorothy said. "And this is Knapsack, and this is GPS."

"You named your bag and your GPS system?" Sasori asked.

"Sure, why not?"

"That's a little weird." Sasori said.

Kakuzu ran in.

"WE GOT IT! OUR FIRST ROUND OF FAQ STUFF! SIT! ALL OF YOU!" Kakuzu yelled.

Everyone sat down… Tobi brought the watch so Deidara could help.

"Okay, we got a few comments, too. We're replying to those as well." Kakuzu said.

"Okay, start already." Pein said.

"Alright… 'You spelled cuatro wrong'… How did we spell it? Anyone remember?"

"We spelled it quatro." Sasori said.

"Eh… HIDAN, GO FIX IT!" Kakuzu yelled.

He did. (Yes, I actually fixed that.)

"Okay, two… 'um can you put Itachi in danger or Orochimaru or Neji \he'… okay… well… First, we would NEVER put our own people in danger… just kidding, we'll take the advice…"

"KAKUZU!" Sasori yelled.

"NO WE WON'T! And don't be so nervous, saying 'um' and whatnot… jeez… and what's with the '/he'? Spelling problems?" Kakuzu asked.

(Just kidding, I don't care, but Kakuzu wants to bother you about it.)

"And the last one… 'I have a question. why haven't you talk to the kids lately?'…"

"Hey, we've been talking to the kids!" Deidara yelled.

"No, they're right… We haven't… Hm… Well… I suppose we just wanted to get Kisame out of there… and like Kakuzu said earlier, love makes you do crazy things… like when you were saving Sasori…" Pein said.

"Yeah… Well… SHUT UP!" Deidara yelled.

"Alright, kidos… that comes to a total of… 150 dollars." Kakuzu said.

"I told you, they're not paying." Sasori said.

"Whatever… But hey, let's get some input here. We've talked to you lately, right kids?" Kakuzu asked.

No answer.

"Kids?"

Nothing.

"NO! THEY'VE STOPPED WATCHING! THEREFORE, WE'RE LOSING MONEY!"

Kakuzu fainted.

Sasori went up to the camera.

"Or they're scared of you, Kakuzu." Sasori said.

But, Kakuzu was out cold.

"Anyone got a one dollar bill?" Pein asked.

Tobi handed him one… and Kakuzu got up, and took it from Pein.

"I'm good now." Kakuzu said.

Dorothy looked at the screen of the watch.

"HEY, COUSIN!" She yelled.

"What's she doing there?" Deidara asked.

"We were hoping you would know." Pein said.

"Where are you?" Dorothy asked.

"I've been taken by the infamous two foot kidnapper." Deidara said.

"OH NO! WE GOTTA SAVE HIM! HERE! GO LOCK ONTO THE SIGNAL THAT THE WATCH IS PICKING UP! USE GPS TO FIND YOUR WAY THERE! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, YOU LAZY PIECE OF SH&T? GO!" Dorothy yelled, handing Sasori the GPS.

Sasori ran to the computer room.

Everyone else left the room… everyone but Pein. Pein was simply staring at Dorothy in awe. No one bosses HIS minions around!

"What are you looking at?" She asked.

"I don't think we're clear on who runs this place." Pein said.

"Yeah? Who is it? You? You're a sorry excuse for a leader, letting your own men get caught." She said.

"Excuse me?" He asked.

"And what's with the peircings? You lose a bet? Are you a Swiss cheese extremist? Like the movie 'holes'?" She asked.

The camera man decided to go watch Sasori… This could get ugly…

Sasori was punching the coordinates into the GPS… or trying to anyway.

Sasori went back too see Dorothy.

"The GPS won't turn on." He said.

"HEY KIDS! SAY 'GPS'!" Dorothy yelled.

"GPS!" The kids yelled.

"What ever happened to the map?" Deidara asked.

"That old thing? That is SO last year. GPS is so much better." Dorothy said.

The GPS turned on, and started… singing…

If there's a place you got to go  
I'm the one you need to know  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
If there's a place you got to get  
I can get you there I bet  
I'm the GPS!

I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS

I'm the GPS

Once it stopped singing, Sasori started punching in the coordinates.

"Okay, he appears to be in the middle of the Amazon rainforest… Let's get directions and… DONE!" The GPS said.

"Alright… Let's go… COME, TOBI!" Sasori yelled.

"TOBI'S COMING!" Tobi yelled, running to his side.

The two of them went outside.

"So… Where do we go first?

"First… we have to go ACROSS the OCEAN! Then, we have to go UP the AMAZON RIVER! Then, we get to the TREE HOUSE!" The GPS yelled.

"Okay… Let's go…" Sasori said, walking towards the shore.

"Where do we go first?" The GPS asked.

"The ocean." Sasori said, walking towards a boat.

"Let the kids answer." The GPS said.

"You just mentioned it." Sasori said.

"Let them answer." It said again.

"Fine… Where do we go first?" He asked.

"The ocean." The kids said.

"See? They know." He said, getting into the boat.

Tobi shoved the boat off, and jumped on.

"Should be smooth sailing…" Sasori said.

"You just jinxed it." The GPS said, noticing a giant whirlpool in their path.

"Oh crap." Sasori said.

"TOBI CAN'T SWIM!" Tobi yelled.

"Yeah, I know…" Sasori said, pulling down the sail of the boat.

"Tobi thinks there's something causing the whirlpool." Tobi said.

"But what?" Sasori asked.

"Tobi thinks we can stick the camera underwater." Tobi said.

"Is it waterproof?" He asked the cameraman.

"Yeah." The cameraman said, handing him the camera.

Sasori attached a string to it, and dropped it into the water.

The cameraman watched the screen.

"There's a boy down there!" He yelled.

"Who?" Sasori asked.

"I don't know! Blonde… Orange suit…"

"Naruto…" Sasori said, rolling his eyes.

"He's got some sort of sphere in his hand! The whirlpool seems to be coming from there! He said.

"Kids! Get him out of here! Call him a loser!" Sasori yelled.

"LOSER! LOSER! LOSER! FAILURE! DOBE!" They screamed.

Naruto stopped, and swam at the camera. He grabbed onto it, and pulled down.

Sasori kept a good hold on the string.

"I think we got a bite!" He said, pulling back.

Sasori pulled Naruto up on deck.

"You're so annoying! Sasori yelled, throwing him off the back of the ship.

"The whirlpool's gone…" The cameraman said, taking back the camera.

"Yeah." Sasori said, raising the sails once more.

So, the rest of the trip went smoothly, and they finally reached the Amazon River.

"Okay… So now we gotta go down the river… Er… Up the river…" Sasori said.

"Yup." The GPS said.

"Tobi wishes we had Sempai's birds…" Tobi said.

"What? I can't do just as good, if not better?" Sasori asked.

"…Tobi doesn't think so…" Tobi said.

"I'll show you!" Sasori said, taking out a couple of puppets.

"Tobi doesn't know how that's going to work…" Tobi asked.

After about an hour, Sasori had constructed a car.

"There…" Sasori said, putting the GPS on the dashboard.

"Alright… Calculating route… FOLLOW THE ROAD." GPS said.

"What road?"

GPS didn't reply.

So, Sasori just started driving, watching the GPS instead of the road.

"TAKE A RIGHT…!" The GPS started.

Sasori took a right, and smashed into a tree.

"IN 500 FEET!" GPS yelled.

"Stupid useless hunk of metal!" Sasori screamed.

"Watch the road, you twit." The GPS replied.

Sasori looked at the tree he had smashed into. Fortunately for him, it was the tree that had the tree house in it.

"Cool." Sasori said, getting out of the car.

"SEMPAI! TOBI'S COMING TO SAVE YOU!" He screamed.

"You idiot! We were going for stealth!" Sasori screamed.

Diego jumped out the window, Neji and Deidara in hand.

"Uh-oh! People have come to SAVE the CAPTIVES!" Diego yelled.

"No shit, Sherlock." Sasori said.

"DANNA!" Deidara yelled.

"Give up, little boy." Sasori said.

"Never give up!" Diego yelled.

Sasori charged at Diego.

Diego dropped Neji, and started running.

"DANNA!" Deidara yelled.

Then, the screen started to get fuzzy.

"The camera's dying!" The camera man yelled.

"WHAT?" Sasori screamed.

"I didn't charge the battery before we left." He said.

"Damn… Looks like we need to charge it before we go, or Kakuzu will have my head for not getting this all on film…" Sasori said.

The screen went dark.

* * *

A/N: Sorry this took so long! Deidara's still stuck! Wonderful!


	5. The shiny object

Oh. Oh. Oh... ah

Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child…

"DAMN IT, STOP THE MUSIC! Sasori's still out there, you idiots… Man, you just can't get good help these days…" Kakuzu said, walking away.

Oh... Oh... Oh... ah  
Go Sasori Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
Making human puppets and throwing a kunai,  
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Sasori... Sasori... Sasori... Go, Sasori, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Sasori is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
Making more puppets is good for everyone!  
And there goes Sasori... Sasori…. Sasori... Go, Sasori, Go!

* * *

"What is taking Sasori so damn long?" Kakuzu asked, pacing the room.

"They better hurry up… Pein and Dorothy are at each others throats." Konan said.

"I hope Sasori's getting the entire rescue on camera…" Kakuzu said.

_**BAM!**_

"I'LL TEACH YOU TO INSULT THE ALMIGHTY PEIN!"

"Oh, man…" Konan said, walking towards the sound.

"Hm… That'll make some great footage…" Kakuzu said, picking up one of the cameras.

Kakuzu walked into the room, and saw that Pein and Dorothy were punching the living daylights out of each other.

"Hm… My money's on Pein." Hidan said.

"Yeah, same here." Kakuzu said.

"NEVER INSULT THE AKATSUKI LEADER!" Pein yelled, knocking Dorothy on her back.

"Leader? I could be twice the leader you are!" She yelled.

"Oh really? Prove it." He said.

"First, you have to be a gentleman and help me up." She said.

Pein extended his hand, to help her. But, as all classic jokes go, she pulled him down.

"First lesson. Never fall for the oldest trick in the book." She said, standing back up.

* * *

"Why did he have to drop Neji? He could've kept him for all I care!" Sasori asked.

"Because Diego is smarter than that?" Tobi asked.

"Yeah, I know…" Sasori said.

"It's done charging." The cameraman said.

"It's about time!" Sasori said, unplugging the cord.

"Yup. Let's go." He said, picking the camera up.

Sasori and Tobi jumped out the window… But that didn't save much time, because the camera man still had to climb down the ladder.

"I keep forgetting that you're a useless NORMAL person…" Sasori said.

"Shut up." He said.

"Alright Neji, work your magic." Sasori said.

"Byakugan."

"What about GPS? We left it in the car." Tobi said.

"Does it matter?" Sasori asked.

"Dorothy will be mad if we leave it there." Tobi said.

"She'll get over it." Sasori said.

"Tobi doesn't think so." Tobi said.

"I really don't care." Sasori said.

"But…"

"I see them…" Neji said.

"Where?" Sasori asked.

"I think… It looks like there just beyond that cluster of trees…" Neji said.

"What are they doing?" Sasori asked.

"Diego looks like he's helping a sloth or something." Neji said.

"And Deidara?"

"I think he's out cold." Neji said.

"Wonderful. Let's go."

So, they walked past the cluster of trees, and found Diego.

"Uh-oh! They found us! Let's be like a SLOTH and HIDE in the TREES!" Diego said, climbing into a tree, with Deidara on his shoulder.

"Hang upside-down, so that we can BLEND IN with THE TREES, just like a SLOTH!" Diego said.

"That has GOT to be your lamest attempt yet." Sasori said.

"Tobi can still see him." Tobi said.

"Yeah, I know…" Sasori said.

"They'll never find us!" Diego said.

"You don't blend into trees… You know that, right?" Sasori asked.

Diego didn't reply.

"Apparently not." Sasori said. "Alright… Well… Since I'm lazy, I want the kids to get him…"

"Can you find Diego?" Neji asked.

The camera panned over to a bunch of trees.

A random giant cursor came on the screen.

"…Um… Okay… I suppose that could help…" Neji said. "Is THIS Deidara?"

The cursor moved over a random tree stump.

"No." The kids said.

"No, that's a tree stump!" Neji said.

The cursor moved over a very shiny object.

"Is THIS Deidara?" Neji asked.

"…So… Shiny…" Sasori said, looking at the object.

"SHINY!" Tobi yelled, running toward it.

"No." The kids said.

"No, it's not. Tobi, get away from the shiny!" Neji said.

Tobi picked up the shiny object. What was it, you ask?

Unfortunately for Tobi, it was a piece of broken glass.

"SHINY!" Tobi yelled, picking up the object.

It cut his palm.

"THE SHINY HURT TOBI!" Tobi yelled.

"It's a broken piece of glass. Obviously it hurt you." Sasori said.

"BAD SHINY!" Tobi yelled, throwing it away.

But, as we all know, shiny sharp flying objects aren't safe. It flew up into the trees, and hit Diego.

He fell out of the tree. So did Deidara.

"…Well… Okay then…" Sasori said.

"DIEGO IS BLEEDING!" Tobi yelled.

Sasori poked him a few times. Then, he felt for a pulse.

"No, Tobi. Diego is dead." Sasori said.

"YAY!" Tobi yelled.

"Alright… Deidara?" Sasori asked.

"…Hm… Huh? Where am I?" Deidara asked, pushing himself up.

"The middle of the woods." Sasori said.

"…Why…?" Deidara asked.

"You were kidnapped…" Sasori said.

"…Oh… Right…" Deidara said, getting back on his feet.

"SEMPAI CAN FLY US HOME WITH HIS BIRDS!" Tobi yelled.

"I don't have any clay left…" Deidara said.

"… We drove past an art store on the way here…" Sasori said.

So, they went to the art store, but had to walk.

"Heh… Funny, they've got one of those cleaning services stores attached to the art store…" Deidara said, reaching for some clay in the bag.

"Hurry up, will you?" Sasori said.

"Alright kids… Help me… MOLD!" Deidara said, taking some clay out.

Just before Deidara closed his hand around the shapeless blob, it was knocked out of his hand by a flying wet sponge.

Then, a maid tackled Deidara.

"MOLD, CODE RED! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!" The maid screamed.

"GET OFFA ME, LADY!" Deidara yelled.

Then, a bunch of maids came out of the store, carrying different cleaning implements.

Sasori pushed the maid off of Deidara, pulled him up, and they started running.

Another sponge flew past Deidara's head, hitting Tobi. Tobi collapsed right there in the street.

Deidara stopped.

"TOBI!" Deidara yelled, going back to get him.

Sasori grabbed Deidara, trying to pull him away.

"YOU CAN'T HELP HIM, MAN!" Sasori yelled.

"I CAN'T LEAVE HIM HERE!"

"HE'S GONE! LET IT GO!" Sasori screamed, pulling harder

"SEMPAI!" Tobi screamed as the maids surrounded him.

"NO! WE GOTTA GO BACK!" Deidara screamed.

"WE CAN'T TAKE THEM ON ALONE!" Sasori yelled.

"WE HAVE TO! WE CANT LET HIM SUFFER LIKE THIS!" Deidara yelled.

Sasori punched Deidara, knocking him out.

"Sorry… This is the only way…" Sasori said, hoisting him over his shoulder.

* * *

A/N: I know what you're thinking. 'YOU MADE US WAIT FOR THIS LONG FOR SOMETHING SO SHORT!'. Yes, that's what you're thinking. And if you weren't, I have just enlightened you to this sad reality. SORRY! I promise the next one will be longer!


	6. Tobi's back!

Oh... Oh... Oh... ah

Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
Molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,  
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Deidara... Deidara... Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Deidara is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
blowing up each other is good for everyone!  
And there goes Deidara... Deidara… Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!

* * *

Deidara pushed himself up, wondering what just happened.

"Hey, look who's finally up…" Sasori said.

Deidara looked at Sasori after realizing he was in bed.

"…Danna…? What happened?" He asked.

"I knocked you out after you refused to leave Tobi behind." Sasori said casually.

"Really? What happened to the little…? OH GOD, YOU LEFT HIM THERE?" Deidara screamed, after remembering what happened.

"Duh. There's no way I could face so many cleaning supplies." Sasori said.

Deidara looked the other way. Dorothy was on another bed.

"…Dorothy…?" He asked.

"Heh… Pein gave her a hell of a beating." Sasori said.

"What'd she do to him?" Deidara asked.

"She… tried to beat him in… well… just about everything…" Sasori said.

Dorothy opened her eyes, and looked over.

"You're back…" She said to Deidara.

"…Yeah…"

"…Was GPS helpful…?" She asked Sasori.

"Sure was…" Sasori said.

"…That's good… Can I see him?" She asked.

"Nope."

"…Why not…?"

"He's in the middle of the Amazon Rain Forrest." Sasori said.

"What's he doing there?" She asked.

"Nothing, really…"

"You left him there?" Dorothy asked.

"Yup."

"YOU WHAT?" She asked, trying to sit up.

Hidan walked in.

"How many f!cking times do I have to tell you, TO KEEP YOUR LITTLE ASS IN BED?" He screamed.

"But…" She started.

"NO!" Hidan yelled.

Dorothy leaned down, shooting Sasori a dirty look.

Kakuzu walked in.

"Finally. GET UP! YOU'RE GOING TO GET TOBI!" He yelled.

"But I…" Deidara started.

"NO! UP!"

"But…"

"Fine. You'll get your Rehab while we give a moment to our sponsors.

* * *

"Dad, can I drive?"

"No."

"Please?"

-Rock falls on car, crushing it-

"No. See, it's an omen."

"But dad… It's only a dent!"

Life comes at you fast.

-Nationwide is on your side-.

(Did this answer your question, atlantiandragoness?)

* * *

"Now remember. Nationwide is on your side unless you are… Orochimaru, Kabuto, any of the major villages… Sasuke, Hinata, Naruto, Kiba, Akamaru, Shino, Neji, Choji, Sakura, Ino, Rock lee, Might guy… The Hokage, Kazakage, or any other –kage…"

Kakuzu continued down the list. This took about three days.

"A Cell Phone, any of Shino's bugs, Orochimaru's Snakes, anywhere in the Atlantic ocean, or an invasive species." Kakuzu concluded.

"What's wrong with cell phones?" Deidara asked.

"They're too… convenient."

"Humans are an invasive species." Sasori said.

"So are puppets."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yes. So, Deidara. How was rehab?"

"Good. I feel great." He said.

"Good. So you can head out." Kakuzu said.

"We need backup if we're facing cleaning supplies." Sasori said.

"Hm… I suppose you're right… Well, have fun." Kakuzu said, walking away.

"I SAID WE NEED BACKUP!"

"And you're right. Go get some." He said, continuing out.

Sasori ran after him, ready to rip him apart. Deidara grabbed Sasori's arm.

"Danna… We have to go…" He said.

"THAT BASTARD!" Sasori screamed.

"We have to get Tobi." He said.

"But…"

"We already have backup." Deidara said.

"Oh really? Where are they, Deidara, hm?"

Deidara pointed at the camera.

"The camera crew? They're useless."

"No. THE CHILDREN!"

"You've GOT to be kidding me."

"No. C'mon, kids can take down a bunch of old maids. They have the supplies."

"What supplies?"

"Dirt. Mud. Crap. Their dog's crap. Food. Junk like that." Deidara said.

"They'll have to get all the way to South America." Sasori said.

"No problem." He said, taking out one of the largest wads of clay Sasori had ever seen. He split into multiple pieces. Then he took it piece by piece, molding them into eagles, and other birds. Once they grew, he had an army of clay birds.

"Now Sasori, you have to admit that this is pretty amazing, eh?"

"Hmph…" Sasori replied, rolling his eyes. "And no matter how many kids we get, they'll never be able to handle all that."

"…Then we'll have to resort to… Our Fangirls…"

"Oh no… Deidara, you know they'll…"

"We won't use them unless we need to… But… Sasori, it could be our only hope."

"Fine… But we're gonna need protection."

"Why?"

"They'll rape us when we get there. And we have millions of Fangirls… so… Yeah… That'll be interesting…"

"No problem. I've got… birth control pills… condoms… all that junk. "

"I DIDN'T MEAN THAT PROTECTION! I MEAN PREVENTION!"

"Yeah. I've got that."

"Not from pregnancy you idiot. I mean from them in general… And why the hell do you have birth control pills?"

"… I don't have a problem…"

"Are you cheating on me?"

"N-NO! NEVER! Just… you know…"

Sasori raised his eyebrow.

"PEOPLE THINK I'M A GIRL! After you hear it so many times… You start to listen to them…"

"Well you're not. I know for sure. So chuck the pregnancy pills, will you? It's creepy… Do you know what those things can do to a man?"

"Yes, Danna…"

Kakuzu walked back in.

"Good, you haven't left yet. I forgot about Slack-jawed Cheese Hugger's question."

"Slack-jawed Cheese Hugger?" Sasori asked.

"Yeah. They want to know what kind of games you play."

Sasori thought for a minute. While he was doing so, Konan walked in.

"Um… Candy land… Don't wake up Leader…"

"That's not awkward at all… By the way, you lose that second game. Every time." Konan said.

"Yeah, I know. And you shouldn't be talking. Whore. Um… Strip Poker… Stripper Twister… Put the (Beep) in (Beep)… Let's see…"

"Hey, Danna. What about (Beep)?"

"Yeah, that's always fun… Um…"

"OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Kakuzu yelled.

"…But there's more…"

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" He yelled.

"Okay, okay. But you asked."

"Leave. Now. Go. Save Tobi." Kakuzu said, walking away.

"Okay… Time to pick up the kids and Fangirls." Deidara said.

"We still need protection."

"…Make a cage or something, Danna…"

"…Good idea…"

So, Sasori made a giant cage. It had legs. It was a walking cage. How interesting.

"Okay… Let's go." Deidara said, jumping on the leading bird.

So, Sasori jumped on one of the birds, and attached the cage to another. Just in case it's legs gave out. Kakuzu ran back in.

"WAIT!"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" Sasori asked.

"You forgot your script." He said, handing it to them.

"Oh, joy." Sasori said, opening it.

"…What the…? We can't rob a bank on the way to save Tobi!" Deidara said.

"It's in the script." Kakuzu said.

"Yeah, your script. You wrote it!"

"That's it… WE'RE GOING TO GET OUR OLD WRITER BACK!" Sasori yelled.

"Why? You don't want to rob the bank?"

"No. We don't."

"Your old writer quit."

"No, she took a break."

"SHE QUIT!"

"SHUT UP! WE DIDN'T EVEN PAY HER, WHAT DO YOU CARE?"

"I WANT MONEY! Unless she pays us… Hm…"

"Why would she pay US?"

"We pay enough for this stupid equipment. She should help."

"Yeah, but we get paid more for the episodes."

"YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE OF THE MONEY! GET OUT!"

"FINE!"

The birds took off.

"Do we even need a script for this?" Deidara asked.

"No. But… It was a lot easier." Sasori told him.

"True…"

"But I think we can do this one without… DEIDARA, LOOK OUT!" Sasori yelled.

"Wha- OH MY GOD!"

_**BAM!**_

"GET IT OFFA ME!" Deidara yelled, trying to pry the thing off of him.

"WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME…?"

_**BAM!**_

"GET IT OFF! IT'S GOT MY LEG!" Sasori yelled.

"THE DAMN THING'S GOT MY ARM, AT LEAST YOU CAN'T FEEL IT!"

"I LIED! I CAN FEEL IT JUST FINE!"

"WHAT THE HELL, DANNA?"

"I LIED!"

Deidara finally managed to pry the attacker off. It was small and fuzzy. He held it out in front of him to see what it was. It was a little jaguar… It looked rabid.

"…What the…?"

"You killed Diego! Meow, meow!" It said in a human voice.

"WHAT ARE YOU?" Deidara yelled at it.

"I'm Baby Jaguar! Meow, meow!"

"…Okay… Uh… Are you… mental or something?"

It didn't reply.

"…Just… 'Cuz you know… Jaguars don't sound like that."

"DEIDARA, A LITTLE HELP WOULD BE NICE!" Sasori screamed, trying to pry the animal off.

"Huh? Oh… Yeah. Kids! Help me PRY the Jaguar OFF of SASORI! Put your arms out in front of you and… PRY!"

The jaguar was pulled off of Sasori, and hung in the air.

"…Huh… Wasn't expecting THAT…" Sasori said, rubbing his bitten leg.

"Kids… DROP IT!"

And Mama Jaguar fell right back down to earth.

"We're not anywhere near the forest, where did these freaks even come from?" Sasori asked.

"The zoo! Meow, Meow!" The baby said, completely unaware of its mother's fate.

"Surprise there."

So, Sasori threw the Baby Jaguar into the cage.

"Why are we keeping it?" Deidara asked.

"…I dunno… It might come in handy…"

"I doubt it."

So, they flew all the way to New York… Straight into Time Square. When they arrived, they got mixed greetings.

"HOLY SH!T WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

"OH MY GOD THOSE BASTARDS KILLED GARRA!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP! IT'S THEM! OH MY GOD! I LOVE YOU!

"Hello? Police? Yeah, there's a bunch of UFO's in Time Square. No, I'm not crazy! I'm serious! Hello? … Hello? DAMN IT THEY HUNG UP!"

"MAMA, GO DIEDARA GO IS HERE!"

"And, if you look to your left, you will see two men riding in on giant birds."

"oooooohhhh, aaaaahhhh!"

(Snaps photos)

Luckily, the Fangirls all traveled in a giant pack. That made them very easy to cage.

"Wh… Why are we in a cage…?"

"MAYBE THEY'LL RAPE US!"

"YAY!"

"OH MY GOD, ME FIRST!"

The kids, on the other hand just swarmed the place. But they were nice. So, they just got on the giant birds.

"Danna… Did you cage our old writer?"

"I guess I did… But she's a Fangirl, too. So it's totally fine."

"True."

So, they took off. By the way, don't EVER let those two baby-sit your toddlers.

"I'm hungry!"

"That's nice."

"I want food."

"No."

"I WANT FOOD!"

"YOU WANT SOME CLAY?"

"NO!"

"GOOD!"

So eventually they made it to the… maid… place… yeah. The birds landed.

"Alright kids. You know what to do, right?" Sasori asked.

"Yup." They said, dismounting the birds.

The maids came out. More than a thousand in total. A mop flew past Deidara's head.

"I just took a shower, thank you!" Deidara yelled.

"Kids… We've got candy!" One of the maids said.

"OH MY GOD CANDIES!"

So, the kids betrayed the artists, and went for the candy.

"That was short lived." Deidara said, staring at them in disgust.

"Deidara… Get them back here."

So, Deidara tried making a really cool looking clay bird.

"Hey, kids! ART!"

They looked at him for a minute, and then turned back to the candy. Deidara's jaw dropped.

"They…"

"…Well, Deidara… Looks like it's time for our last resort…" Sasori said, turning to the giant cage.

"You're right… And we're gonna win… Damn kids." Deidara said, reaching for his bag of clay.

"What are you…?"

Deidara tore his shirt off. The ground shook with Fangirl screams.

"Okay, deafening the maids will help." Sasori said, watching them cover their ears.

Then, Deidara pulled the stitches off of his chest-mouth.

"Deidara…" Sasori started.

"Kids… Maids… Behold my masterpiece! SELF-DESTRUCTION!"

"ARE YOU INSANE?" Sasori yelled.

"DEATH WILL TRANSFORM ME INTO A WORK OF ART! AN EXPLOSION UNLIKE ANY OF THE OTHERS! ONE THAT WILL LEAVE SCARS IN THE EARTH LIKE NOTHING ELSE! A CREATION WORTHY OF PRAISE UNLIKE ANYTHING BEFORE IT!"

"DEIDARA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"AND ALL OF YOU… WILL DIE! YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY! NOW SHOW ME YOUR FEAR! DROWN YOURSELF IN THE AWE AND DESPAIR! CRY OUT LIKE A LOST CHILD!"

Sasori released the Fangirls, hoping they would stop Deidara. Like any good Fangirl, they pounced on him, knocking the clay out of his hand. But, they also tackled Sasori. They were surrounded by a giant dome. Neither of them could see three inches in front of their face.

But then…

_**BANG!**_

"OH MY GOD!"

Sasori's eyes widened when he heard that. Everything else went silent.

_Shit… Deidara, you idiot._

The mob moved off of Sasori.

He didn't see guts and bone. No blood. Then he looked over at Deidara.

"Danna…" Deidara said, pointing towards the maids.

"Tobi?" Sasori asked.

"TOBI DOES NOT WANT A BATH!" He screamed.

"What did he…?" Deidara started.

"DO NOT MAKE TOBI USE HIS SHARINGAN!" Tobi yelled.

The maids and kids backed up. The Fangirls stayed put.

"Good. Tobi would like to go home now." Tobi said, walking over to Deidara.

Tobi was once again harmless, and the three of them were attacked by Fangirls… Again.

* * *

"KAKUZU!" Sasori yelled.

"Did you get Tobi?"

"DAMN RIGHT WE DID!" He yelled, pushing Tobi into Kakuzu.

"Why are you…?"

"Shut up." Deidara said, knowing what he was about to ask.

"Damn Fangirls… That was my good shirt, too." Sasori complained.

"Honestly. You think they'd have a little respect."

"Some of them did."

"Most didn't. Anyway, Deidara… I need a shower."

"Me too… By the way, care to elaborate on that little lie you were telling everyone?"

"What lie?"

"You can't feel anything."

"Deidara, if I couldn't feel anything how would I get any pleasure out of you when we…"

_**BAM!**_

"MY LEG!"

"WHY DID YOU KEEP THAT JAGUAR?"

"Hey… He saved me the trouble of shutting you up myself. I should hire this thing." Kakuzu said, watching the Baby Jaguar chew on Sasori's leg. He pulled it off after he was sure Sasori wouldn't finish his sentence.

Deidara helped him up.

"Damn cat. Now I'm taking a shower. Care to come?" Sasori asked with a seductive smile. Deidara grinned back and the two of them started walking… But… Kakuzu tied Deidara up.

"Not both of you." Kakuzu growled.

_**BAM!**_

"AGH!"

"Well… He deserved it." Deidara said, watching Mama Jaguar try to eat Kakuzu.

* * *

A/N: I think that was a good chapter, wasn't it? Sorry it took me so long!


	7. Itachi!

Oh… Oh... Oh... ah

Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
Molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,  
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Deidara... Deidara… Deidara… Go, Deidara, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Deidara is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
blowing up each other is good for everyone!  
And there goes Deidara... Deidara… Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!

"Pein."

"Konan."

"Pein."

"Konan."

"Pein!"

"No."

_**BAM!**_

"Damn it Konan…Fine."

Pein rose from the floor where he fell after being pushed out of bed.

"This better be good…" He growled as he walked towards Tobi's room.

"Question me, Sasuke! It is your duty!"

Pein pushed the door open and sleepily stared at Tobi and Sasuke.

"No, damn it, I'm not playing 20 questions with you!" Sasuke yelled back.

"Tobi… What's going on here?" Pein asked.

"Uh… LEADER! T-Tobi's a good boy and just brought in a playmate."

"And tied him to a chair?"

"Yes."

"Hn… and what exactly are you doing?"

"THIS IDIOT KIDNAPPED ME AND…" Sasuke started before his mouth was covered.

"We were playing 20 questions." Tobi answered.

"Of course you were…" Pein said before closing the door. He began to walk away… but…

"Itachi killed by the village's orders, Sasuke."

Pein stopped in his tracks.

"Lies."

"He spared you, Sasuke."

Pein was glued to the door for the rest of the story.

"You better be happy. I saved your ass from Sasori's rage. It wasn't the damn jaguars, Kakuzu." Konan said.

"Thanks, I guess."

"That's right… Now he's coming home today. He has to take it easy for a while, got it?" Konan asked.

"Yeah, yeah…"

Just then, Pein stomped down the stairs with Kisame at his heels.

"But Itachi would never…"

"I heard it from Tobi myself!"

"It's TOBI for god's sake!"

"Madara, to be exact."

"He just says that!"

No reply.

Then, the door opened.

"I don't remember being attacked by jaguars, Sasori." Deidara said as he walked in.

"But Konan said…"

"OF COURSE HE DOESN'T REMEMBER! They also caused brain damage." Konan said.

Sasori broke down sobbing as he thought of the oversized animated cats attacking his partner.

Then, Tobi walked down the stairs. He had a squirming, yelping bag over his shoulder.

"What's in there?" Kakuzu asked.

"Nothi… SEMPAI!" Tobi screeched, running up to the blonde.

"No, NO, NO, NO! TOBI, I CAN'T…"

But, despite the warnings, Deidara was glomped. Tobi's squirming bag revealed its contents after being dropped. A shaken and wide-eyed Sasuke emerged from the bag.

"I-Itachi…"

Pein punched him in the face after mentioning his brother.

"What was that for?" Konan asked.

"Itachi is a traitor." Pein said.

"No he's not!" Kisame insisted.

Pein glared at him.

_"I do not know where Sasuke is!"_

"Trouble?" Kakuzu asked as his face lit up.

"Doesn't matter, because Deidara can't go." Konan reminded him.

"Sure he can. He can walk, can't he? And Tobi can take care of him."

"Tobi? Take care of Deidara?" Sasori asked.

"Sure. He is 'Madara', after all."

Sasori stared at Tobi, who was currently strangling Deidara with a hug. Sasori pulled him off.

"Tobi's a good boy!"

_"My brother's whereabouts are not… OW!"_

"Oh, 'Cmon… Please? Can't we just see who it is?" Kakuzu asked.

Konan sighed before walking over to Neji's trap door.

"Neji?" Konan asked.

Neji rose from the trap door.

"Wha?"

"We gotta see who's in trouble." Kakuzu said.

"Byakugan."

"Okay, kids. Unfortunately, we haven't gone shopping lately, and had nothing to drink but beer last night. I think Neji's still a bit out of it. You'll have to help him." Konan said. Neji leaned against the windowsill for support.

"…M'kay… Let's see here…" Neji said as the screen zoomed across the land.

"We have to save Sasuke!"

"Is this the person… Uh… In trouble?"

"No."

"…mmmm…. Nope… (Hic)… Naruto…" Neji said before moving on.

_"Oh, Kabuto!"_

"Okay… Man porn that's DISTURBING! MOVIN' ON!" Neji screamed after he zoomed in on one of Orochimaru's 'private moments'.

_"I do not know where my brother…"_

_"LIAR!"_

_**BAM!**_

"Is this the person?"

"YES!"

"Yup…"

Itachi was tied to a tree, Sakura and Ino with some yaoi paddles.

"You know where he is, you bastard!"

"No I don't…"

He was hit in the face again with the plank of wood… By Sakura, to be exact.

"Huh… Hey, maybe we should send someone…" Konan said.

"I'll go." Deidara offered.

"Deidara you just…" Sasori started.

"I'm fine…" He said.

"Cool! Get out there! Wait, who is it, Konan?"

"Itachi."

Pein jumped up from his seat.

"You're not going anywhere!" He yelled.

"…Uh… Okay." Deidara said, sitting down.

"But…" Kakuzu started.

"No. Itachi is a traitor and will be treated as such."

Pein left the room to chill.

"…Well, see you later, Deidara." Kakuzu said.

"But Pein just…"

"Let me handle him."

The rest of the room stared at him.

"…Wait… Let Hidan handle him. He can't die."

"Okay… Bye." Deidara said, walking out. Tobi ran out after him.

"Tobi thought you didn't like Itachi-Sempai."

"I don't." Deidara said.

"Then why are you… Wait… Tobi doesn't like where this is going."

"Whatever. You'll get over it."

Sasuke walked up to Deidara.

"Can I come?"

"No. You don't appreciate my art."

"But… Please? I must see Itachi!" Sasuke said.

"No." Deidara said, letting his clay bird grow.

Sasuke fell to his knees and clung to Deidara.

"Get off me!" Deidara yelled, shaking Sasuke.

"NO!"

So, Deidara was forced to bring Sasuke along. Ouch. Most of the ride was an awkward silence…

"…So… What's up, kids?" Deidara asked the camera.

"TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!" Tobi yelled.

"NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU KIDNAPPED ME AND…" Sasuke started. Tobi covered his mouth.

"…Hm… Okay… Kids, seriously, what's up?" Deidara asked again. But they were too busy watching the background where Sasuke and Tobi were engaged in a pathetic wrestling match.

"Tobi is surprised that the stalker parrots are not here." He said after pinning Sasuke down.

"You're right…" Deidara said.

"They went to bug other people while you were gone…" Sasuke said, staring up at Tobi in disgust.

"And you know this how?" Deidara asked.

"I was one of them."

"Ah. But really kids, WHAT IS UP? You're so quiet it's unnatural."

Then, the world shook with tales of bedtimes and snacks.

"Never realized how boring these stories would be." Deidara said, fiddling with some clay.

"TOBI HAS A STORY!" Tobi screeched.

"Really? Go."

"Once upon a time in a place really far away…"

Tobi's story took a while.

"And so, everyone died. The end."

Sasuke and Deidara stared at Tobi in horror.

"Tobi… that was terrible."

"Tobi knows."

"Why does that sound so similar to what my brother did?" Sasuke asked.

"…Tobi… Doesn't know."

"I DO NOT KNOW WHERE MY BROTHER IS!"

"Ah. We're here." Deidara said, sending his bird down.

The three of them got off the bird.

"GREAT, YOU'VE GOT BACKUP!" Ino yelled.

"Ew… It's ugly, too." Sakura said.

"HEY! I'm very sexy, thank you." Deidara informed her.

The world shook with child and Fangirl screeches.

"See?"

"Yeah… OH MY GOD, SASUKE!" Sakura yelled.

"Um… Yeah, actually I'm just here to…"

But, Ino and Sakura tackled him into a bush, dropping their Yaoi paddles.

"…Okay… That takes care of that." Deidara said, walking up to Itachi.

"Oh thank god you're here. They're CRAZY I tell you!" Itachi yelled.

"Yeah…" Deidara said, picking up one of the paddles to inspect it.

"Those things hurt."

"Really?" Deidara asked, getting an evil grin.

"Um… Yeah, really…" Itachi said warily.

_**BAM!**_

"YOU LITTLE BASTARD! WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I'LL KILL YOU!" Itachi yelled at Deidara.

"…Yeah, yeah…" He said, inspecting the paddle again.

Then, Ino and Sakura came out of the bush, giggling like crazy.

"…Tobi doesn't like the sound of that…" Tobi said.

"Nonsense." Deidara said, smacking Itachi with the paddle again.

Sasuke came out of the bush. He was covered in lipstick… and he was completely nude. Let me clarify that the lipstick was indeed EVERYWHERE. Strangely, Sasuke looked dreamily content… Until he saw Itachi.

"TOBI IS… GAH!" He screamed, falling to the ground.

"What?" Deidara asked, turning around. "Why are you… OH MY GOD!"

"Get your hands off my brother." Sasuke said, sounding intimidating.

"OH GOD! TAKE HIM, FOR ALL I CARE! JUST GET OUT OF HERE! AAAAAHHHHH!"

Itachi wasn't exactly happy to see him, either.

"Uh… No, that's fine; I'll get this rope myself."

"There's no way." Sasuke said, beginning to cut away at it.

Once the rope broke, Itachi pounced at Deidara. Sasuke dove at Itachi.

"DOGPILE!" Tobi yelled, jumping on top.

"Oh god… Ow…" Deidara said, struggling to get out of it.

"Oh no you don't, Blondie." Itachi said, grabbing his hair.

Deidara whimpered as Itachi lifted him up.

"You are a brat."

"I don't need you telling me that, too." Deidara said.

"I'd punch you if my arm weren't occupied by my brother.

Deidara giggled.

"Sucks for you."

Then, Sasori jumped into the clearing.

"If you hurt him I swear I'll tie you right back on that tree."

"You and what army?"

Sasori pointed at the screen.

Itachi rolled his eyes as he released Deidara, who ran behind Sasori.

"Pein doesn't want you coming back…" Sasori said.

"I know."

"YOU CAN COME WITH ME!" Sasuke yelled happily.

"No."

"But…"

"Will you please put something on?" Itachi asked.

"…Uh… Yeah." Sasuke said, slinking back into the bush.

"RUN!" Sasori yelled, grabbing Itachi's hand.

"I thought you said…"

"Figure it out later, run!"

So they ran all the way back to base.

Pein somehow knew they were there the instant they came in, and came to greet them.

"YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!"

"Yes he is." Tobi said.

"No."

"Madara says yes." Tobi said, activating his Sharingan.

Pein opened his mouth to argue, but clenched his teeth and walked away.

"Okay, puzzle time." Deidara said.

"Is Itachi's brother Sasuke or Konan?" Deidara asked.

"Sasuke."

"Good." He said as the first piece moved into place.

"Um… Is Itachi an Uchiha, or a Hyuuga?"

"Uchiha."

"Good." He said again as the next piece moved into place.

"Does Deidara like Itachi?" Sasori asked.

"Nope."

"Great." He said as the next piece moved in.

"We're almost done!" Tobi said.

"Mmm… Is Itachi… Uh…" Deidara started.

"Does Itachi like his brother?" Tobi asked in his Madara voice.

"No?"

"Yes?"

"Maybe?"

"…Well… One of those had to be correct." Deidara said, sending the last piece in.

"Hey, it's a picture of Itachi and Sasuke from the village… Awww." Tobi said again in his Madara voice.

"Tobi, you feeling okay?" Deidara asked.

"Yeah, you sound a bit… different." Sasori said.

"Tobi is fine!" Tobi said happily.

* * *

A/N: HI! I'm out of the hospital early. They got a bunch of contagious kids and sent me home so I wouldn't catch anything.


	8. Dorothy the explorer!

A/n: Okay, this year I'll make a Christmas special. This isn't it but the special will be out after Christmas. Sound good?

* * *

Oh… Oh… Oh... ah  
Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,  
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Deidara… Deidara... Deidara… Go, Deidara, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Deidara is on the road with little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
blowing up each other is good for everyone!  
And there goes Deidara... Deidara… Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!

* * *

Kakuzu flipped through the reports, anger evident on his face. He calmly set down the papers before slamming his fist down on the desk. Sasori watched from the corner of the room, where he was tied to a chair.

"Sasori, do you have any idea what you've done?" Kakuzu asked quietly.

"They'll come back…" Sasori muttered.

"Our show is being canceled." Kakuzu said, turning to Sasori.

"W-why?" Sasori asked, more concerned about his own welfare than the show.

"Because we don't have any viewers." Kakuzu said slowly.

Kakuzu flinched at the faint beep from the computer. He glanced back at the screen to see a new e-mail. Sasori watched as Kakuzu read the e-mail. A few seconds later, Kakuzu opened a new window and began to surf the web. After a good 20 minutes, Kakuzu got up and walked over to Sasori.

"I-I can't feel anything. It doesn't matter what you do to me!" Sasori said in an attempt to keep Kakuzu from attacking him.

"Calm down…" Kakuzu growled, untying Sasori. As soon as his legs were free, Sasori darted out of the room. Kakuzu smiled and grabbed the video camera on the desk. Glancing at the clock, he left the room.

* * *

"That's brilliant!" Zetsu exclaimed.

"Wasn't my idea…" Kakuzu muttered.

"**Well who's was it?** They must be very smart."

"One of our… _loyal_…viewers."

"But it's only 10 AM… **You'll have to wait.**" Zetsu muttered.

"Hey, I can wait…" Kakuzu muttered defensively.

"What are you going to do for the rest of the day?"

"Investigate the show that's taking our time-slot." Kakuzu said, reaching for the remote.

"**Isn't it Deidara's cousin?**"

"Indeed."

* * *

Dorothy!

Mittens!

Come on Dorothy!

do-do-do-do-Dorothy!

do-do-do-do-Dorothy!

do-do-do-do-Dorothy!

do-do-do-do-Dorothy!

Let's go!

Dorothy Dorothy Dorothy the explorer!

DOROTHY!

Mittens and supercool exploradorothy!

We need your help!

Grab your knapsack!

Let's go!

Jump in!

Vamonos!

You can lead the way!

Hey! Hey!

do-do-Dorothy!

do-d-Dorothy!

Naruto no swiping!

Naruto no swiping! (Oh man!)

It's Dorothy the explorer!

* * *

"Hi! I'm Dorothy… And this is my lemur, mittens!"

"Hola!" Mittens said.

"Today, Mittens and I found a one hundred dollar bill on the road! We don't know who it belongs to, though… Mittens and I are going to bring it to the lost and found!"

Kakuzu stared at the screen in shock, wondering who in their right mind would return a one hundred dollar bill.

"But we don't know where the lost and found is! Who do we ask for help when we don't know which way to go?" Dorothy asked.

"THE GPS! RIGHT!" Mittens yelled, sounding a bit too enthusiastic.

"To get help from GPS, we have to say 'GPS'!" Dorothy said, pulling the GPS out of her knapsack.

"SAY GPS! SAY GPS!" Mittens demanded.

Kakuzu and Zetsu sat quietly, deciding not to humiliate themselves by talking to a television screen. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)

After a few more seconds of silence, the GPS turned on.

"If there's a place you got to go I'm the one you need to know  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
If there's a place you got to get  
I can get you there I bet  
I'm the GPS!  
I'm the GPS

I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS  
I'm the GPS

Dorothy and Mittens have to get to the lost and found! Well _I _know how to get to the lost and found!"

"Congratulations…" Kakuzu muttered.

"First, you have to go _over_ the _snowy mountain!_ Next, you have to go _through_ the _Akatsuki base_! And that's how you get to the lost and found!"

"Wait… _Through_ the base?" Kakuzu asked.

"How can she do that? **She can't just walk in here**." Zetsu said.

"Heh… If that's what she plans to do, then we can get our time-slot back…" Kakuzu said as the GPS repeated the directions again… and again… and again.

"**We should tell the leader not to interfere…** That way we can catch her."

"Yes… I'll go and tell him." Kakuzu said, practically jogging to Pein's room.

"Mountain… Base… Lost and found!" Dorothy yelled. "Where do we go first?"

"Well you could just skip the mountain… **and come to the base**." Zetsu muttered.

"The mountain! Right!" Dorothy said.

The camera zoomed out until you could clearly see the sky, which was completely covered in clouds.

"Can YOU see the mountain?" Dorothy asked.

The clouds magically drifted away, as if they knew that they were in the way. Behind them was a large, snow-covered mountain.

"Right! There it is!" Dorothy said, pointing at the peak.

Zetsu stared at the screen, both sides of his face wearing different expressions as Dorothy and mittens began to sing. One looked angry, the other horrified. After a few seconds, Dorothy had reached the mountain.

"Wow! That mountain is TALL! We need help getting UP the MOUNTAIN!" Dorothy said.

"Who can help us?" Mittens asked.

"Go around… **Dumbass**…"

"Knapsack! Right!" Dorothy said. "I'll bet I have something in my knapsack that can help us!"

"Say knapsack! Say knapsack!" Mittens yelled.

After a few seconds of awkward silence, Knapsack jumped off of Dorothy's shoulder.

"Knapsack, knapsack! Knapsack, knapsack! I'm the knapsack loaded up with junk and other stuff, too! Anything that you don't need, I've got inside for you! Knapsack, knapsack! Knapsack, knapsack! YEAH!"

Kakuzu and Pein walked back into the room.

"**Are you going to watch with us, Leader**?" Zetsu asked. "It's dreadful, really."

"What'd I miss?" Kakuzu asked, sitting back on the couch.

"Things that you'll be glad you missed. **Very, very glad.**"

"So… Dorothy's coming to our base?" Pein muttered, watching Knapsack point at a box of crayons.

"Can CRAYONS help Dorothy up the mountain…? …Nah… Can a SLED help Dorothy up the mountain…? … Nope… Can MOUNTAIN-CLIMBING BOOTS help Dorothy up the mountain? YEAH!"

"Things like that make me worry about the world's intelligence…" Kakuzu said as Knapsack spit a couple of boots at Dorothy.

"**Indeed…** I'm not sure it's safe for children to watch this." Zetsu said while Mittens grabbed another pair of boots for himself.

"Ready? We have to CLIMB the MOUNTAIN! In Spanish, we say TREPARMOS! Say it with us! TREPARMOS!" Dorothy yelled, taking a step up the mountain.

(I don't know if that's how Trepar is conjugated… but from my limited knowledge of Spanish, that's how it's done.)

"TREPARMOS! TREPARMOS! TREPARMOS!"

"Shut up…" Kakuzu muttered.

"Yay! We made it to the TOP of the MOUNTAIN! Now we need to get DOWN! Ready? Say DECENDERMOS! Great! Now help us climb down! Say… DESENDERMOS! DESENDERMOS!"

"They're almost here…" Kakuzu muttered. "We'll take her by surprise."

"WE DID IT!" Dorothy yelled, putting her and Mittens' boots back in her knapsack.

Then… Pakkun, Gamakichi, and Gamatasu walked onto the screen, somehow playing instruments without opposable thumbs. They left after playing a quick tune.

"Where do we go next?" Dorothy asked. "First… we go over the mountain… Then we go through the Akatsuki base… Then we get to the lost and found… We went over the mountain… So next is the… BASE! RIGHT!"

The screen zoomed out, clouds once again covering the background.

"Can YOU see the base?" Mittens asked as the clouds disappeared.

Kakuzu, Pein and Zetsu stared at the screen before coming to a simple answer.

"No. I cannot." Pein said. "It's a hidden base, morons."

However, a random black flag with a red cloud rose from the ground.

"THERE IT IS!" Dorothy yelled.

"WHAT THE- WHAT IS THAT?" Pein screamed.

"Well at least she can find us now." Kakuzu said.

"YEAH, HER AND THE REST OF THE WORLD!" Pein screamed, running outside to see where the flag was coming from. He looked up to see Tobi. "TOBI!"

"Huh? Oh, hi! Tobi is putting up a flag so that the world will know that we are here, and will not mess with us! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" Tobi yelled.

Pein's hands curled into fists as he used his power over gravity to pull the flag – and Tobi – back to the ground.

"B-but… Tobi was just-"

"YOU ARE THE MOST… IDIOTIC… LITTLE… I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Pein screamed. Tobi ran from the base, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Pein walked back into the base, and noticed Kakuzu and Zetsu hiding behind the couch.

"What are you doing?" Pein asked, trying to stay calm.

"Waiting for Dorothy. We're gonna ambush her." Kakuzu said. Pein went and sat behind the couch with them, deciding it would be interesting to watch.

Slowly, the door opened. Kakuzu wrapped threads around the intruder, and pinned it to the ground. He ran over to see… Konan.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" She screamed. "GET YOUR DAMN THREADS OFF OF ME BEFORE I CUT THEM OFF!"

Kakuzu let her go, suddenly afraid of the consequences. His fears left him when he noticed that Konan had shopping bags, and a credit card.

"What's that?" He asked.

"Stuff." Konan said, standing back up.

"How much did it cost?"

"I was Christmas shopping. I didn't count." She said, pushing the door closed.

"How much do you THINK you sp-"

Kakuzu was cut off by the creaking of the door. Someone was opening it… again. Kakuzu picked Konan up with his threads, and threw her behind the couch. Pein caught her before she hit the ground.

"We made it to the akatsuki base!" Dorothy whispered. "We have to sneak through, so nobody sees us… Ready… Tip-toe your way through the base!"

Kakuzu stared at Dorothy, almost amazed that she didn't notice that he was right behind her.

"Um… Hello?" He asked.

"Huh? Did you hear that? That sounded like Naruto! That little ninja is always trying to swipe my stuff!"

"What? What kind of sick dub did you come from? HOW DO I SOUND ANYTHING LIKE A 16 YEAR OLD KID? WHAT, ARE YOU FROM 4-KIDS OR SOMETHING?" Kakuzu screamed, threads pinning Dorothy to the wall.

"Uh-oh! He saw us!" Dorothy said.

Mittens, suddenly angered by his master's predicament, lunged at Kakuzu and bit into his neck. Kakuzu fell back, releasing Dorothy.

"AH! VAMPIRE MONKEY! GET IT OFF!" He screamed.

Pein jumped at the monkey, quickly pulling it off Kakuzu.

"Oh god… EW!" Kakuzu yelled, stitching up the new wound.

"Hurry! We have to get OUT of the BASE!" Dorothy yelled. "Wait! Mittens!"

"You leave, the ape dies." Pein said.

"N-no! You can't do that to him! Please!"

"Then you cancel your show… And you never come back." Pein threatened.

"O-okay… Anything… Just don't hurt him…"

"I wouldn't kill without reason. I AM a god of peace, after all." Pein said, walking back outside the base. Dorothy followed him. As soon as Mittens was free, she grabbed him and ran.

"Never coming back… Yeah, right." She muttered as soon as Pein was out of earshot.

* * *

"So, Konan… WHAT DID YOU BUY?" Kakuzu yelled.

"Presents! WHAT DO YOU THINK? IT'S CHRISTMAS!" Konan screamed back.

"Hey… **Kakuzu, did you ever take that money from Dorothy?**" Zetsu asked.

"Ye- no… DAMN IT!"

* * *

A/N: Christmas special is next, I promise! Plus, we get to see Kakuzu's little plan... hehehe...


	9. The christmas special!

A/N: Yeah, so here's the Christmas special! I hope you don't mind, but there are very big hints of Yaoi in here. Just for laughs. I swear. They're short little bits, too.

Anyway, if you'd like to see the weird ideas that inspired this (made by me and Kyasurin-chan), or a fan art for this fic, made by Crystal Kira, check my profile. The links are on there.

Oh, and some of the things in here aren't really proven or anything, it's just me making guesses about the future. Ok? And there are also some recent chapter spoilers, and there's me making fun of those recent chapters by turning it into something else… And there's me making fun of the Grinch, and- hell, I'm making fun of a lot of things here.

One more thing…

LONG CHAPTER IS LONG!

* * *

"You know what? No. I don't even wanna know what's in this box." Kakuzu said.

"Come on!" Konan insisted. "I got you something nice!"

"Really? How much was it?"

"You tell me. Open it."

"Hey… Leader-sama?" Tobi asked.

"Hm?"

"Why do we open our presents from each other on Christmas Eve, and then our presents from Santa in the morning?"

"Because… It's tradition." Pein muttered back.

"There's no such thing as Santa, dipshit." Hidan said.

"Yes there is!" Tobi screeched.

"No, dumbass. Santa is just some fat old dude that parents make up to-"

"Actually, he does exist." Pein interrupted.

"Aw, jeez. Come on, Leader-sama! Don't tell me you're into that shit, too!"

"Do not insult Saint Nick."

"Yeah, the patron saint of thieves!" Kakuzu said. (Really, he's the patron saint of thieves! Look it up!)

"He is a very great man, and will be regarded as such!" Konan said. "He is not a thief!"

"Holy Jashin…" Hidan muttered. "They're crazy."

"Hey, Danna! Open your present, un!" Deidara said.

"What did you get me, you br- Er… Heh…"

Sasori looked down into the box. If it was possible, his face would've been turning red.

"You like it, un?"

"We'll have to try it out… Tonight, maybe?" Sasori asked with a grin.

"Santa is coming tonight! Don't stay up late!" Tobi yelled. "He won't come if you're awake!"

"No, let them play…" Kakuzu said quickly. "Don't make them go to bed! Please, Leader-sama! Let them… do… whatever they're planning!"

Sasori and Deidara stared at Kakuzu, wondering what he was doing.

"Kakuzu… Really?" Deidara asked.

"Please, go ahead! Have fun! Go at it as long as you want, really!"

"But-" Tobi started.

"Whatever…" Pein muttered. "I don't care."

"But… Santa…" Tobi said.

"Santa won't mind, either. I promise." Pein said.

"How do you know?"

"I am god. I know these things."

"Yeah… So… What is 'Santa' going to bring us in the morning? What'd you people ask for?" Hidan asked.

"The Kyuubi…" Pein said.

"Cash." Kakuzu said, twirling his finger in the ribbon on his gift.

"I would like Kakuzu to open his damn present." Konan said.

* * *

'twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, a creature was stirring, and it wasn't a mouse.

"Kakuzu?"

"Huh? Oh, hi…" Kakuzu muttered.

"What are you doing?"

"Tobi, don't worry about it… Just… go to sleep."

"But… Why are you sitting outside of Sasori's room?"

"Uh… Really, don't worry about it. Really. Just go to sleep, and in the morning, Santa will have come."

"Why do you have a video camera?"

"Oh… Got it from Konan for Christmas…"

"So… you don't have to steal the ones from Go, Deidara, Go?"

"Yeah. That means I don't have to pay a rental fee…"

"So why are you sitting near Sasori's room?

"Just go to- Okay, fine. Remember that talk I gave you?"

"Oh! When a man and a woman love each other very much-"

"Yeah. Making a video of that."

"Why? And what girl does Sasori like?"

"Deidara."

"Huh? Senpai is a man."

"Tobi… Don't ask questions. Please go to bed!"

Since Kakuzu had practically been yelling, Zetsu came out to see what the issue was.

"Kakuzu why are you still up? **Ah, I see you're working on your plan.**" Zetsu said, answering his own question.

"Yes. Now get Tobi out of here! If Sasori and Deidara know I'm out here, they'll… My plans will be ruined!"

"Wasn't even your idea. **It was that guy 'generalj7y'…**" Zetsu corrected.

"Well it was a _good_ idea, so I'm using it." Kakuzu muttered.

* * *

The next day:

"Ugh… Seriously? We have to wait HOW much longer? Konan, wake him up! It'll be so much easier!" Hidan whined.

"No. I am not going to wake up a god." Konan said.

"Why not, un? It's already noon! He never sleeps this late, Konan! It's lunch time!" Deidara said.

"Tobi wants to open his presents!" Tobi said.

"You'll just have to wait for him."

"Can you at least make sure he's okay? It worries me that he's sleeping this long." Kisame said.

"No!"

Finally, Tobi decided to sneak over to Pein's room, and check himself.

"Leader is not here!" Tobi announced.

"Then where is he?" Itachi asked.

"I'm sure he's just… uh… making breakfast or something." Konan said.

"I was just in the kitchen." Kisame said. "Plus it's a bit late for breakfast."

"Okay… so where is he?" Sasori asked.

"We could ask Neji, you know." Kakuzu suggested.

"NO!" Konan yelled, paper wings suddenly spreading from her back as she jumped on Neji's trap door.

"**Konan calm down.** What's your problem?" Zetsu asked.

"Hey… Deidara, you distract her… I'll get Neji… something's up…" Sasori muttered.

"Right, un… HEY, KONAN!"

"WHAT?"

"I'm going to blow a hole in Pein's wall." Deidara said casually, slipping into the empty room.

"IF YOU TOUCH ANYTHING IN THERE, I'LL…" Konan couldn't finish her sentence. She flew into the room after Deidara.

"Hey… Neji. Get up." Sasori said, pushing the trap door open.

"Huh? Did Pein get up ye- OH MY GOD!" Neji screamed, pointing at Konan, who had chased Deidara back into the room.

"What? What's wrong?" Sasori asked.

"A CHRISTMAS ANGEL!" Neji screeched, throwing himself out of the hole, to Konan's feet. "I knew you'd come for me someday!"

"What the hell?" She asked, shaking him off.

"**Heh…** **Well, Konan… **You _are_ god's angel." Zetsu reminded her.

"Well yeah, but I'm not a Christmas angel!" She said.

"W-what?" Neji asked. "But… I… you…"

"Sorry, kid. Better luck next time, un." Deidara said.

"…Fine…" Neji muttered.

"Alright, now that's done, you have to find Pein." Sasori instructed.

"OH, NO YOU DON'T!" Konan yelled. Kakuzu tied her down to keep her away. Finally, she split herself into little paper butterflies. Kisame spit water at them, thus making them fall to the ground. Poor Konan couldn't re-assemble herself.

"…Byakugan…"

"Hey, what about your theme song?" Sasori asked.

"No. Just… no." Neji said.

"Ah! Tobi found Neji's present!" Tobi yelled, holding up a gift.

"What? Really?" Neji asked, running over to grab it.

"Open it!" Tobi said.

"Hey, what happened to waiting for the leader?" Kisame asked.

"Whatever…" Kakuzu muttered. "He's our hostage, he can open it, I guess."

Neji took the present, and tore the wrapping paper off.

"Huh? Ah… a guardian angel!" Neji said happily, jumping back into his hole.

"Hey… You still need to do your job, retard." Hidan said, reaching into the hole.

"NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY ANGEL!" Neji yelled, kicking Hidan in the face.

"OW! WHY YOU LITTLE-"

"Hidan, shut up." Kakuzu muttered, pulling Neji out with threads.

"Fine! Byakugan!"

"Theme song, un?" Deidara asked.

"For the love of… Say byakugan! Take a pic!  
Say byakugan! Take a pic!  
Yo soy Neji hyuuga! I can take a pic!  
I can see the member in trouble!  
Into the forest and out to the sea! To find the member just call on me!  
Say Byakugan! Take a pic!  
There… happy now?"

"Yes." Sasori said.

"Okay… So… We have to find Pein… If _he's even lost_." Neji said bitterly.

"Shut up. He's not here." Hidan said.

"Alright… so… is THIS Pein?" Neji asked, zooming in on Gaara. "Hey… Wow, haven't seen this kid for a while."

"That's not Pein!" Tobi yelled.

"Cool your jets, Tobi… okay… is THIS Pein?" Neji asked again, zooming in on Naruto, who was screaming about something. "Wow… Not in the Christmas spirit… wonder what's wrong…"

"Not Pein… again." Sasori muttered.

"Oh… right… uh…"

"You… You DESTROYED MY VILLAGE!" Naruto screamed.

"Oooh, wait… Someone destroyed Konoha?" Neji asked, deciding not to move on.

"Damn… Pein and Konan are gonna be mad… That was their job." Tobi muttered, letting his Madara voice slip through his lips.

"This… It's my justice!"

"Okay, who just stole a line from Death Note?" Neji yelled, zooming out to see who was trying to justify the destruction of Konoha. "Heh… That guy looks funny."

"Who is it?" Zetsu asked.

"I dunno… Never seen him before. But… he's kinda fat… he's got a fake beard… which is weird because he's not fooling anybody by having shoulder length jet-black hair and a white beard… I think he's trying to dress as Santa or something."

"Hey… We should help Konan." Kisame said.

"Ah… right… Neji, keep talking, un." Deidara said.

"What about the leader?" Itachi asked.

"Just shut up… I wanna know who took care of Konoha for us… and why they're dressed as Santa." Sasori said.

"Okay, he's… Uh… He looks… not too old… His eyes are- holy shit."

"What?"

"He's got… the Rinnegan!" Neji yelled.

"W-what?" Konan asked, having finally fixed herself. "You're joking, right?"

"Um… Who else besides Pein has the Rinnegan?" Sasori asked.

"N-nobody!" Konan yelled defensively. "He's the only one!"

"You sure It's not just one of his bodies?" Hidan asked.

"Yeah, all his bodies have orange hair. This one's hair is black."

"But if it's not one of Pein's- Then the Rinnegan… Where is this guy?" Konan asked.

"Konoha. Naruto looks pissed… Heh, this guy is so screwed."

"Dude, is this 'Santa' person the only guy there?" Hidan asked.

"Uh… I dunno, let me zoom out." Neji said, pulling his view out. "Hey… Pein's there, too…"

"Is he okay?" Konan asked.

"No… all of his bodies look… injured or dead…" Neji said.

"Oh, Pein… No… Who's the bastard in the Santa suit?" Konan asked, wondering if he was the one who did this.

"Uh… I dunno… But he doesn't exactly look like he's in great condition either. I don't even think he was fighting against Pein, he looks like he was on the same side, from where he's standing."

"You sure it's not one of his bodies, Neji?" Kakuzu asked again.

"For the last time, they have orange hair; this guy's hair is black!" Neji yelled.

"Wait… black hair?" Konan asked.

"Yes! How many times have I said that?"

"Oh… shit… Oh, no… DEIDARA! GET YOUR BIRD! WE'RE GOING TO GET PEIN!"

"No. There is no way I'm going out on Christmas. Besides, if he's already dead, then I don't feel like going to save some Santa imposter."

"It's… the guy in the suit… That's not an imposter… Deidara, that's Pein." Konan said.

"Wait… What? How? Pein doesn't have black hair."

"Deidara… just trust me! Come on, we have to go get him!" Konan said.

Hidan found it absolutely hilarious that the leader was almost dead, and that he was dressed as Santa. He fell to the ground laughing.

"Ugh… I told him it wasn't a good idea… Why didn't he listen? Why did he bring Nagato this year? I TOLD HIM NOT TO!" Konan yelled.

"Nagato? What? Konan, where are you going, un?" Deidara asked.

"Deidara, get your bird before I cut you up!" Konan yelled.

"But it's Christmas…" Deidara muttered.

"I don't care if it's the end of the world, Deidara. We're going to get Naga- Pein… I can't believe he took out that body for… He's gonna be dead if we don't hurry..." Konan muttered.

"Maybe it's a setup or something." Tobi said. "Maybe they're trying to ruin our Christmas!"

"If it's a setup… Who did it?" Kakuzu asked.

"Man, that leader is a retard! Why would he go all the way to Konoha?" Hidan yelled. "WHAT A RETARD! GOT HIS ASS KICKED, TOO!"

"HIDAN! YOU SET HIM UP, DIDN'T YOU?" Kakuzu yelled.

"What? No way, don't blame this on me!" Hidan said.

"HIDAN!" Kakuzu yelled, wrapping threads around him.

"I DIDN'T DO IT, DIPSHIT!"

"HIDAN, THIS IS THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT I'VE EVER GOTTEN!" Kakuzu yelled, pulling Hidan into a hug.

"W-what? GET OFF ME!"

"THIS MEANS WE'RE GONNA MAKE ANOTHER EPISODE! OH, HIDAN… THANK YOU! OH, WE NEED TO GET THE CAMERA CREW AND PULL THEM AWAY FROM THEIR JOY-FILLED FAMILIES!" Kakuzu yelled.

"Well… Okay, Tobi. You coming, un?" Deidara asked, walking toward the exit.

"No!" Tobi said.

"Huh?"

"It's Christmas. Tobi doesn't wanna go."

"Leave him. I'm coming." Konan said.

"Go get the camera men, first! They'll get this on film!" Kakuzu yelled after them.

"Alright, alright…" Deidara muttered.

"WAIT! YOUR THEME SONG!" Kakuzu yelled.

"We're not even on the air yet, dumbass!" Deidara yelled.

Before Kakuzu could argue, Deidara made his bird. When they were safely on the way to the camera man's house, Deidara noticed that Konan's entire body was shaking…

"Are you okay, un?" Deidara asked.

"Deidara… can't this thing go any faster?" She asked.

"No. This is the fastest bird I have. What's your issue, un? And who the hell is Nagato?"

"Nagato… It's Pein."

"That makes no sense. Pein has orange hair… And why are you calling him Nagato, un?"

"Look… Nagato is another one of his bodies, okay? But if that's the last one that's considered alive… If that one dies, Deidara… Pein will be dead."

"Ah… So… Why is he dressed as Santa, un?"

"Look… I'll explain that later, okay?" Konan asked.

"Alright, un. Just try to calm down, will ya? This is a children's show, he'll be fine."

"Deidara… this stopped being a kid show at the end of episode two…" Konan muttered. "Plus, we're not even considered a show until we get the camera men."

"We're almost at the camera guy's house, okay? Chill. We're gonna make this the most kid-friendly episode since episode one, un!" Deidara announced.

"How?" Konan asked.

"It's easy! Just act like a kid! A really smart kid… but a kid!" Deidara said. "As long as we keep the rest of this kid-friendly, Pein will be fine!"

"That… doesn't make any sense." Konan said.

"Shut up, un. It will when it works." Deidara said, landing in the camera man's back yard.

"HEY! GET OFF MY LAWN! TODAY IS CHRISTMAS, I'M ON VACATION!" He yelled, shaking his fist at Deidara.

"Nah, you need to come with us! This is an episode, un!" Deidara yelled.

"NO!"

"Can we have the camera, then?" Deidara asked.

"Take the camera, for all I care! Just don't bother me on Christmas!" The man yelled, handing the camera to Deidara.

"Thanks, un… Alright, Konan. You're gonna be the camera man… woman… today." Deidara said, forcing the camera into Konan's arms.

"But-"

"Alright, start the camera, un." Deidara said, putting on a happy face.

"Um… action?"

* * *

Oh... Oh... Oh... ah  
Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
Molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,  
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Deidara... Deidara... Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Deidara is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
blowing up each other is good for everyone!  
And there goes Deidara... Deidara. Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!

* * *

"HI, KIDS! I'm Deidara! Today is Christmas! Merry Christmas, children!"

"Merry Christmas, Deidara!" They kids yelled back.

"Hey… What about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa?" Konan asked.

"Shh! Konan, just go with it!" Deidara muttered.

"Deidara, this is a bunch of bull _BEEP!_" Konan yelled, before realizing that her swear had come out as a loud beeping sound. "…What was that?"

"Konan, if this is gonna be a kid-friendly episode, you can't swear, un. But if you do, I have a buzzer to drown it out." Deidara said in a matter-of-factly tone.

"Alright…" She muttered.

"So what did _you_ get for Christmas, kids?" Deidara asked.

"I got a teddy bear, a book, a pu-"

"Wow! That's great! I don't know what I got yet, un!" Deidara interrupted. "But today, something TERRIBLE happened! Do you want to know what it is?"

"What is it, Deidara?" The kids asked.

"Pei- er… SANTA crashed his sleigh, un!"

"Oh, no! Santa!" The kids cried.

"Yeah! And you know what's even worse?"

"What?"

"Naruto is trying to keep him from delivering his presents, un!"

"Naruto is mean!"

"Yeah! So today, Konan and I are going to go and SAVE SANTA!"

"Yay!"

"Alright! It's time to FLY to KONOHA!" Deidara yelled, sending his bird back into the air.

"Hey… Deidara, are those weird parrots you always complain about going to come after us?" Konan asked.

"Dunno… maybe not, it's Christmas, un." Deidara said.

Of course, we all know that it's not possible to get anywhere without those parrots. They showed up a few minutes into the flight.

"Merry Christmas, Deidara!" They squawked.

"Um… Merry Christmas, un…" Deidara said quietly, not sure if the parrots were going to sing.

"Deidara, Santa didn't come to our house this year!" One of the parrots said.

"Oh no!" Deidara said, sounding overly dramatic. "Why not, parrot? Were you a BAD BOY?"

"No! I was a very good parrot! Why didn't Santa come?"

"Because he crashed his sleigh and is now about to die at the hands of the Kyuubi!" Konan yelled.

"Pein has a sleigh?" Deidara asked.

"Yes."

"And reindeer, un?"

"Not the way you're thinking of them… But yes, he does."

"Why?"

"Pein _is_ Santa! How much more obvious does it have to be?" Konan screamed.

"Whoa… So… If Pein is Santa… OH MY GOD, THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!" Deidara yelled.

"Huh?" Konan asked.

"Konan… Just trust me, this is gonna be a freakin' amazing episode."

"Yeah, it will be if Pein LIVES!" Konan reminded him.

"He'll be fine, un! Just trust me!"

* * *

Meanwhile:

"**So… where are you going to put the video?** YouTube?" Zetsu asked.

"YouTube? No way. This is going on e-bay." Kakuzu replied. "YouTube doesn't give me money for this!"

"So… **You're putting a porno on e-bay**?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Deidara and Sasori have plenty of fangirls. This thing will sell for so much!"

"**Wow…** I'm wondering if it was a good idea for you to read our reviews, Kakuzu."

* * *

"Hey, Deidara! There's a snowstorm up ahead!" The parrots warned.

"Huh? Uh-oh! Why is Konoha the only place that's having a blizzard, un?" Deidara yelled.

"Pein's rain… It's freezing…" Konan said, easily putting two and two together.

"Well, kids… Looks like we're gonna have to fly through that… But we're gonna have to stay warm!" Deidara yelled. "Did you know that shivering helps you stay warm, un? Cross your arms and… SHIVER!"

"Deidara, that's ridiculous." Konan said. However, her voice was lost in the wind of the blizzard.

"SHIVER! SHIVER! SHIVER!" Deidara screamed, trying to be heard.

Deidara got so focused on his directions, that he lost control of his bird. It crashed into a pile of snow.

"NICE JOB, YOU IDIOT!" Konan screamed.

"Well, kids… Guess we're walking to Konoha…" Deidara muttered.

"Deidara… This is Konoha." One of the parrots said, landing on his shoulder.

"Not it's not. This is not a village! If it is, this is the ugliest village I've ever seen, un." Deidara said.

"It's… Destroyed…" Another parrot said.

"Oh, right." Deidara muttered. "Forgot about that."

"So… Where's Pein?" Konan asked, glancing around the snow-covered rubble.

"You act like you're better than everyone else… You act like no one else has ever felt pain in their life! How would you know something like that? WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO JUDGE US?"

"Um… I'm gonna guess that way, un." Deidara said, walking toward the screaming.

Konan followed Deidara over a small hill. When she got to the other side, she could clearly see Naruto, who had gone two-out-of-nine tails on Pein's ass, holding the black-haired Pein against the remains of a wall. The Santa clothes and beard were gone, leaving Pein in his usual fishnet shirt and sweatpants.

"You think you've felt Pain? You think you have the _slightest_ idea of what real pain is? How foolish." Pein said.

Naruto isn't good at comebacks. So, he simply threw Pein to the ground, and punched him in the face a few times.

"You have no idea what other people have been through! You can't tell us that we don't know pain!" Naruto yelled.

"If that's true, why don't you see things my way? You obviously don't understand. But I don't expect mere humans to understand. I have evolved into a God…"

"God? You think you're a… god? YOU'RE JUST A SICK, TWISTED MAN!" Naruto screamed, pulling Pein back up against the wall. "RANSENGAN!"

Konan dropped the camera and watched in horror as the wall crumbled, allowing Naruto's Rasengan to send Pein flying backward. After he landed, Pein made no attempt to get up. Actually, he didn't move at all.

"PEIN! NO!" Konan screamed, running toward the motionless figure.

Deidara practically screamed as his left hand began to speak.

"Didn't you promise her that Pein would be okay?"

"Oh my god, Kakuzu… Can I get this thing removed? We hardly use the speaker, anyway, un!" Deidara said. "Why did you put it there if we never use it?"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! Did you, or did you not tell Konan THAT PEIN WOULD BE OKAY?" Kakuzu yelled again.

"Well, yeah but-"

"If you don't find some way to fix it… We'll all suffer."

"Suffer? Some of our members didn't even LIKE Pein, un." Deidara said.

"Not that, you idiot… Konan… She'll kill you, Deidara."

"She won't-"

"Plus, the kids won't be happy. You just let Santa die." Kakuzu interrupted.

Deidara realized that this was true, and looked down at the camera Konan had dropped.

"Um… Kids? Kids, you're not mad at me, right?" He asked, lifting it up.

"DEIDARA DIDN'T SAVE SANTA!" The kids screamed before running off to cry in their mother's arms.

"WAIT! I CAN STILL SAVE SANTA!" Deidara yelled.

A few of the kids came back to watch and see how Deidara planned to revive him.

Deidara ran over to see Konan, who was currently sobbing over Pein's dead Nagato body.

"Um… So that's the last of him, right, un?" Deidara asked.

Konan sobbed harder in response, pulling him into her arms.

Deidara sat down across from Konan, aiming the camera at Nagato's face.

"Konan… I want you to kiss him, un." Deidara said.

"W-what?"

"Just do it! It works in all the lame romance movies, un… Wait, hang on a second…"

Deidara adjusted the camera's focus until the picture looked a bit fuzzy and more… well… cheesy. The fact that it was snowing and looked all pretty out just made it cheesier.

"Konan, just do it. Trust me."

"But i-"

"Do you want Pein to live, Konan?"

"Yes, but-"

"Then do it, un."

Konan held back another sob and finally decided to give it a try. She leaned down and tenderly placed her lips on his.

"EEEEEWWWWW!" The kids screamed.

"WAY TO RUIN A MOMENT, UN!" Deidara yelled at the camera.

And, because I'm stealing cheesy plots from romance movies, Nagato's heart magically started beating again.

"K-Konan?"

"Oh… Oh, Pein… You're okay!" Konan cried, tears of joy somehow making down her face without freezing.

Of course, Naruto wasn't going to be shown up by a bunch of kids. He had to ruin the cheesy moment even more than the kids.

"HEY!" He yelled.

The three Akatsuki looked up at Naruto, who had apparently sprouted a third tail.

"YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF HERE ALIVE!"

Konan pulled Pein closer, becoming very protective of her leader and childhood friend.

"Um… and when the Kyuubi saw their love… His heart grew three sizes that day. And then his kyubbi-ness shrank and lost all three tails, un…" Deidara said in an attempt to stop Naruto.

Unfortunately, that didn't work, despite the fact that this is a little kid show.

"Did you just try to use a line from The Grinch?" Konan asked.

"…Maybe, un…"

"Pein… What happened?" Konan asked.

"The Kyuubi… I tried to catch it..."

"Uh… look, kid… Is there any way you're gonna just chill out, un?" Deidara asked.

"FAT CHANCE!"

"Get him his present… That'll shut him up." Pein said.

Deidara nodded, quickly molding a small flock of birds, which flew back to Pein's crashed sleigh.

"PRESENTS CAN'T MAKE THIS ALL RIGHT!" Naruto yelled. "YOU DESTROYED MY VILLAGE!"

"You better have gotten him something good, un…" Deidara whispered.

"Trust me…" Pein said, finally pushing himself up into a sitting position.

Naruto growled, angered even more by the fact that these IDIOTS thought a present would make everything okay. Luckily, the birds dropped the present at Naruto's feet. It was quite large…"

"What'd you get him?" Konan asked.

"You'll see…"

Naruto tore the present open. Not that he wanted it. He was just trying to break through it to get to the people in front of him. He took a step back once he could see what was in the box. His tails quickly disappeared, and he just stood, staring at his present.

"B-but… how?" Naruto asked.

"You put him on your list. I went and got him. Is it so hard to understand?" Pein asked.

"You… You brought Sasuke back…" Naruto muttered.

Sasuke seemed completely unconcerned with the situation. He was too busy playing with his own present, an Itachi voodoo doll.

"So… while he's distracted… we run." Pein said, getting back on his feet.

So, they ran back to Pein's sleigh. After dragging all of his other bodies onto the sleigh, pulled his bag of clay off his belt.

"Well kids… Say RESCUE CLAY!"

"RESCUE CLAY!" The kids screamed.

"I'm rescue clay. Comin' to the rescue! Arráscate! Rescue clay! Comin' to the rescue! I'm rescue clay, I got your leg. I can turn into an Camel or a Tamarack! A snow hare, a blue bird, whatever you need! We can do it! Nothing to it! I'm rescue clay! Comin' to the rescue! Arráscate! Rescue clay! Comin' to the rescue! I'm rescue clay!" The bag sang, somehow managing to dance, even in the deep snow.

"So… I need something that can get this sleigh home."

"Alright… Hey, kids… can a BUFFALO get the sleigh home?"

"No!" The kids yelled.

"Can a SNAKE get the sleigh home?"

"No!"

"Nope… can REINDEER get the sleigh home?"

"YEAH!"

"RIGHT!" The bag yelled, spitting out nine reindeer. When he was done, Pein threw a little present at him. Rescue clay somehow managed to open it without opposable thumbs. Or any fingers, for that matter. "W-wow… Santa… Santa, you brought me more clay! Thank you, Santa!

"So… You have reindeer, Pein?" Deidara asked as rescue clay jumped back on his belt. "Konan said they're not actually reindeer.

"Yeah… I have ten bodies… I use one as Santa… the other nine as reindeer. My power over gravity allows me to fly." Pein said, leaning back when the sleigh took to the sky.

"Huh… That's cool. Well, let's go home, un."

"What? No!" Pein yelled.

"What?"

"We still need to deliver all these presents!" Pein said, pointing at the giant sack in the back of the sleigh.

"YAY!" The children yelled.

"Ugh… fine." Deidara said, turning the sleigh toward Suna.

Konan scooted closer to Pein. Of course, because I'm still stealing cheesy plots, he put his arm around her. Deidara rolled his eyes and made the reindeer fly faster.

So… Where's the list of good and bad people, un?" Deidara asked.

"Pfft… I don't make that list anymore… too hard…" Pein said.

"Okay…"

"But I do have a list of people and what I got them." Pein said, handing him a long list.

The singing parrots flew up to Deidara.

"What did I get? Huh?"

"You got… Pein, you got them a microphone?" Deidara yelled. "Of all the things you could've gotten them… a _microphone_, un?"

"YAY!" The kids yelled.

"What'd you get everyone else…?" Deidara muttered, skimming the list. "You got Dorothy… a bomb?"

"Just because I don't make a naughty list doesn't mean I'm not punishing people."

"Alright, Deidara… Listen, there's a technique to going down chimneys." Pein said.

"It's a chimney. It's not so hard, un."

"But if the family has a fire going then-"

"Whatever." Deidara muttered, jumping down the chimney. When he landed, he fell on a pile of wood, which gave him a huge splinter in his heel. Deidara held back a scream, and practically threw the presents into the room before jumping back up to the roof. He heaved himself into the sleigh, and pulled the splinter out.

"Yup, that happened to me a lot…" Pein said. "That's how my other bodies got all those piercings."

"Then why is your Nagato body completely fine?"

"Pfft… I send my other bodies down, not this one."

* * *

After a few hours, Deidara was done delivering all the presents to the ninja world, and to the kids who watched Go, Deidara, Go. He practically had to drag himself back into the base.

"Well… I have to say that you did a good job for your first time." Pein said, following him in.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU DO ALL THAT, UN? I KNOW YOU ALMOST DIED, BUT YOU WERE FINE HALFWAY INTO THE TRIP!"

"But you were doing such a good job…" Pein muttered.

"LEADER-SAMA IS HOME!" Tobi yelled. The rest of the Akatsuki gathered to open their gifts from the 'mysterious' Santa Claus.

"Leader… You got me hair gel!" Hidan exclaimed. "I'M SORRY I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN SANTA!"

Sasori watched Hidan give Pein a hug as he pulled the wrapping paper off his present, which was a spray for finishing woodwork.

"Ow… Deidara muttered, trying to pull out all of the splinters.

"Really, Deidara? You're gonna let a few splinters bother you?" Kakuzu asked, picking up his own present. "I bet you get plenty from what you do with puppet-boy over here."

Deidara and Sasori glared at Kakuzu. Unfortunately, Kakuzu was too distracted by his present to care.

"Leader-sama… You got me… a _million_ dollars? HOW?"

"It's not too hard…" Pein muttered.

"Pein… You didn't get the Kyuubi… You didn't get what you wanted for Christmas…" Konan muttered.

"Whatever. Eventually he'll be so distracted by Sasuke that we'll be able to get him." Pein said.

"Merry Christmas, everybody!" Tobi yelled. "Tobi was a good boy!"

* * *

A/N: Merry late Christmas, everyone! (And all those other holidays.) Well… that was 18 pages of randomness. Hope you liked it.

Again, I know Nagato hasn't been seen yet, but I have some good evidence that says that he's Pein's main body...

So… Yeah! Bye! And remember to stop by my profile for links to the fan art and where this idea even started!


	10. Go, Tobi, Go!

A/N: This entire episode was inspired by StarRuby07. Go thank them. Oh, and sorry for my slow updates. School has been terrible lately.

Oh, quick warning: Very OOC Itachi. Just for the heck of it.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Oh... Oh... Oh... ah  
Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
Molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,  
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Deidara... Deidara... Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Deidara is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
blowing up each other is good for everyone!  
And there goes Deidara... Deidara… Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Ever notice how boring it is around here after Christmas?" Kisame asked.

"…Well there aren't any more holidays to look forward to…" Itachi muttered

"Valentine's day!" Tobi said.

Kisame and Itachi glared at Tobi before returning to their boring conversation.

"Aw, you don't like Valentine's day?" Tobi asked.

"Not really. It's kinda pointless." Kisame said.

"No! Valentine's Day is a time to hang out with that special someone! It's a time for love!"

"And who do you plan on hanging out with? Who do you love, Tobi?" Itachi asked.

"EW!" Tobi yelled. "That's gross."

"Then stop talking."

"Itachi-san is being mean to Tobi…"

"Be quiet. You're giving me a headache."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Senpai, why is Itachi-san mean to Tobi?"

Deidara shrugged. Honestly, Tobi shouldn't be asking him. Deidara didn't think that he was too nice to Tobi himself.

"Tobi thinks that Itachi-san has something against me."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he did."

"Why not?"

"You're an idiot, un."

"Tobi is not an idiot."

"You just keep telling yourself that."

_Ding-dong!_

"Doorbell!" Tobi yelled.

"We have a doorbell, un?"

Tobi and Deidara watched Pein open the door. Two men in black suits, a skinny one and a muscular one, stood at the door.

"Can I help you?" Pein asked, studying the two men.

"Yes. Are you Naga-"

"Pein." He corrected through his teeth.

"Right… So this is the home of the Akatsuki?" The larger of the men asked.

"Who wants to know?"

"The government." The second man replied, holding up a badge.

"In that case… No, this is not the Akatsuki." Pein said rudely before closing the door in their faces.

"I hope you know that you're not a good liar, un." Deidara said.

"If they come after us, I'll kill them."

Deidara shrugged, satisfied with Pein's answer.

"Tobi doesn't think they'll just go away."

"Don't care…" Deidara muttered.

However, Tobi was right to be scared. The door collapsed when a large armored van drove straight into the base. Pein turned around just in time to see the vehicle before it hit him. After flying across the room and smashing into a wall, the two large men who had knocked on the door a few minutes earlier got out of the van. Tobi and Deidara watched in disbelief as Pein's unconscious body was thrown into the back of the van.

"W-what just happened? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" Deidara screamed.

"The government." The smaller man replied before seeing Deidara's palm-mouths. "Hey, Frank... We should get that one, too."

The larger man - who was apparently named Frank – looked to see what the big deal was.

"Mouths on his hands? That would be a great catch, Steve!"

Tobi watched in horror as his senpai was forcefully shoved into the van with Pein.

"What about this one?" Frank asked, pointing at Tobi.

"…Doesn't look like he's got anything interesting on him…" Steve muttered, which was a signal for Frank to dismiss him.

"Where are you taking them?" Tobi asked.

"To the lab." Steve replied. "To study them."

"Oh, really? You dare take on the ten… Er… Nine remaining forms of God?" Pein asked as his nine other bodies walked into the room in a neat line.

"And his angel?" Konan added, standing behind Nagato's body with her paper wings spread.

"If that's not enough you can fight the immortals, too." Kakuzu growled, dragging Hidan into the room with him.

"And the artist who knows what art really is." Sasori said.

"And a cannibal. **I'm hungry…**" Zetsu muttered, popping out of the ground.

"And me!" Kisame yelled.

Itachi followed Kisame into the room, deciding not to add his own title to the already large list of people.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Ten minutes later:

"I think we'll have to make another trip, Steve. We can't fit all of them in the van." Frank said, attempting to shove Hidan's screaming and detached head into the van.

"Sure we can. We're not bringing that guy." Steve replied, pointing at Itachi. "He's got nothing interesting."

"Have you seen his eyes?"

"Yeah. They're bloodshot. That's why I left some eye drops in his pocket."

"Alright… And about the guy who you decapitated… You can just put his head in the front seat with us."

"True."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Ugh… W-what happened?"

"YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"What? Tobi?"

"Itachi-san! We're the last two people here! The creepy government people took everyone else away!"

Itachi sat up, the memories of what had happened flooding his mind.

"B-but… Leader was taken down, too?!"

"Yes!"

"Konan?"

"They sprayed her with oil."

"Kisame, Sasori, Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu?! Everyone?!"

"Kisame… they caught him in a net after he was hit with the oil that Konan dodged, Sasori they used a flamethrower… And because he got hit with a bit of oil… well… yeah. Kakuzu they used money to lure him into the van, they sprayed Zetsu with weed killer and they cut Hidan's head off."

"The children?!"

"Eh? No, the children are fine, Itachi-san!"

"HI!" The children yelled.

"…Ah… So what do you plan to do about this?"

"WE WILL SAVE THEM!" Tobi yelled, his determination obvious.

"And how do you plan to do that?"

"Tobi will use his new jutsu!"

Itachi shuttered, realizing that he was all alone with Tobi… Actually, he was more concerned with the fact that he was stuck with _Madara_. He jumped into a fighting stance as Tobi began forming hand signs. Luckily, Tobi wasn't planning on attacking him. He pressed his palm to the ground, and a pattern similar to the summoning jutsu spread around the base, and then out the hole in the wall. It continued to spread out into the world.

"What did you just do?" Itachi asked as the marks disappeared.

"Tobi used a jutsu."

"Yes, but what kind of-"

"Quiet! Tobi's theme song is coming on!"

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Oh... Oh... Oh... ah  
Go Tobi Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a _very special child_  
using his sharingan and throwing a kunai,  
this rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Tobi... Tobi... Tobi... Go, Tobi, Go!  
Pein's in a science lab, we're going for a ride  
Tobi is on the road with Itachi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
saving the whole world is good for everyone!  
And there goes Tobi... Tobi… Tobi... Go, Tobi, Go!

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Tobi, I noticed a little exaggeration on the 'very special child'." Itachi said with a smirk.

"Tobi _is_ special."

"Indeed. So… What about the camera men?"

"Tobi will summon them!"

"I thought summoning techniques only worked when-"

However, Tobi succeeded in his summoning jutsu. He pulled two camera men out of the smoke from the jutsu. One of them looked surprised, while the other was dressed in his pajamas and looked rather irritated.

"How did you-?"

"Tobi used a jutsu."

"But summoning only work when-"

"Yeah, but the jutsu before it allows Tobi to do that."

"You mean the jutsu that didn't actually _do_ anything?"

"It did something. You just couldn't see it. Come outside with Tobi and look!"

Itachi was dragged out of the base. When he looked around, he was absolutely terrified. He clutched his chest and backed against the wall of the base.

"W-what is this?! Is this… some kind of genjutsu?!" Itachi asked before forming a hand sign. "Release!"

Unfortunately, things didn't change. Tobi watched as some part of Itachi's soul died. While this was some kind of jutsu, it wasn't going to go away with the usual 'release' technique.

"Is Itachi-san finished?" Tobi asked impatiently.

"Y-yes… no… I think."

"Itachi-san, you need to get used to Tobi's jutsu… It's going to stay like this until senpai and leader and everyone else is out of that lab!" Tobi said.

"…Yeah…"

What Itachi saw around him was absolutely horrifying to anyone who had some kind of mentally scarring experience with a Dr. Seuss book, or anyone who wasn't under the age of twelve. While nobody is quite sure of Itachi's experiences with Dr. Seuss, he was definitely over the age limit. Tobi was special enough that he wasn't affected by the fact that he was secretly an old man. The children absolutely loved it.

"Tobi's jutsu is cool…" One of the kids muttered.

"Itachi-san, we need to go get Neji! He can help us find the lab!"

So, the two of them went back inside the base and pulled Neji out of his hole. The government agents had missed him, seeing as he was stuck under a trap door.

"Why is the outside in hideous shape, and yet the inside of the base looks completely normal?" Itachi asked.

"Tobi's jutsu works on nature first. Later, the base will look all pretty!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Ugh…"

"What about the base being pretty?" Neji asked, crawling out of his hole.

"Neji, find senpai and leader and the rest of the Akatsuki!"

"But what were you saying about the base-"

"NOW!" Itachi yelled.

"Alright, alright. Byakugan."

Neji looked out the window, and began zooming across the land. He paused when he noticed that something didn't seem right.

"H-hey… What did you people put in my last meal?" He asked.

"Food, silly!" Tobi said with a giggle.

"No drugs? Acid, maybe?"

"Nope. It's Tobi's new jutsu." Itachi muttered.

"It's pretty!" The kids yelled.

"Uh… Alright… Is this the rest of the akatsuki?" Neji asked, zooming in on something.

"GRRR!"

"No!" The kids yelled.

"Is… is that a tyrannosaurus Rex?" Neji asked.

"Yes!" The kids yelled.

"Probably!" Tobi said. "Tobi's jutsu works on animals, too!"

"Does that mean… humans?" Itachi asked.

"No."

"Humans are animals, though."

"Well… Tobi doesn't know. Maybe it'll affect us later."

Itachi somehow managed to keep himself from convulsing on the floor.

"…Is this the rest of the akatsuki…?" Neji asked, zooming in on something else.

"Get away from me gold!"

"No!"

"Leprechauns?" Tobi asked.

"I-I think so…" Neji said, his voice barely a whisper.

"Keep going…" Itachi muttered, terrified of what was coming next.

"Is this the rest of the akatsuki?"

"GET THAT NEEDLE AWAY FROM ME! No! No, you can't have a biopsy of my skin."

"K-Kisame?" Itachi asked.

"YES!" The kids yelled.

"They're in a lab… But it's across the ocean." Neji said.

"No problem!" Tobi said. "Itachi-san, let's go!"

Tobi ran outside and whistled. A griffin came down from the sky, and landed in front of him.

"Come on, Itachi-san!" Tobi said, jumping on the large mythical creature.

"No. Just… No." Itachi said, backing away from the creature. "There is no way I'm going to-"

Unfortunately, the griffin bit into Itachi's cloak and threw him into Tobi's arms… Which sounds a bit romantic, but shouldn't.

"Put me down!" Itachi yelled.

The griffin took to the skies, ignoring Itachi's cries for freedom.

"Itachi-san, calm down!"

Itachi jumped out of Tobi's arms, and stood up on the griffin. He glanced around the area before spotting a large flock of singing pterodactyl.

"N-no… Not… The parrots are… NO!" Itachi screamed before falling into a fetal position.

"Itachi-san? Are you okay?"

"No! No I am not okay! You have completely destroyed the world's remaining sanity!" He screamed, grabbing Tobi by the collar of his cloak.

"No, Tobi made the world _pretty_!"

Since the singing pterodactyl had caught up to the griffin, they were a bit distracting.

"Amaterasu!"

"Itachi-san! Don't make them go extinct all over again!" Tobi screeched as the prehistoric animals were burned to a crisp.

"Tobi… There's a reason they're called _extinct_. That means that they're all dead… They shouldn't be here anymore."

"Doesn't mean you should kill them!"

"Yes it does! They are _extinct_!"

"Kids! Tell Itachi-san not to kill the dinosaurs!"

"Itachi, don't kill the dinosaurs!" The kids yelled.

"Maybe I'll extinct the children…" Itachi muttered.

The kids stared at the television screen with wide smiles, oblivious to the meaning in Itachi's comment.

"Grrr!"

"Eh? Itachi-san I think that the T-rex is mad at you." Tobi said, noticing that the T-rex was chasing after the griffin.

"Tobi… T-rex is an extinct overgrown lizard. I am not going to be afraid of-"

However, this 'overgrown lizard' was quite dangerous. It ate the griffin and its passengers in one bite.

"Huh? Itachi-san? Where are you?!" Tobi asked, feeling around the dinosaur's stomach.

"I'm right here you idiot." Itachi said, grabbing Tobi's arm.

"Itachi-san, it ate us!"

"I noticed."

"Well… We should get out of here!" Tobi said, walking toward the intestine.

"There is no way I'm going out through the butt." Itachi said, turning away from Tobi. "Amaterasu!"

Tobi watched as a large hole was burned in the T-rex's stomach. Itachi stepped out as soon as the hole was large enough to fit through. Tobi ran out after him and turned to the dinosaur, who looked completely unconcerned.

"Why isn't it dying?" Itachi asked.

"Yay!" The kids yelled, happy the dinosaur wasn't dying.

"My jutsu!" Tobi said gleefully as the black fire began to disappear.

"W-what? Only the uchiha who started that jutsu can stop it!" Itachi yelled as the hole shrank.

"Not with my jutsu." Tobi giggled.

Itachi shivered. If he ever had to fight Madara, this jutsu would be trouble.

"Well, Itachi-san… Looks like we'll need a sea creature!" Tobi said, pointing at the vast ocean before them.

"And what kind of sea creature do you plan on calling?"

"The kraken, silly!" Tobi said.

"We could just walk across." Itachi suggested.

"But the kraken is more fun!" Tobi whined. "Right, kids?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, you can call your weird sea creature. I'm not riding it." Itachi said, beginning to walk across the ocean's surface.

Unfortunately, as soon as Tobi got his kraken, it grabbed Itachi in one of its many tentacles.

"Put me down!" He yelled.

"Itachi-san, the kraken is faster." Tobi said.

Unfortunately, Itachi didn't listen. A few seconds later, the kraken began to swim under the water, which completely destroyed Itachi's plan of using a fireball jutsu. After about a minute of swimming underwater, Itachi looked down at Tobi, wondering if he was running out of air like he was.

"Hi, Itachi-san!" Tobi yelled, waving up at him. "How is it up there?"

'_How is he… Talking?' _Itachi wondered

"Itachi-san, you look a bit blue. Are you sad?"

Itachi opened his mouth to yell at Tobi, but opening his mouth released the air he was struggling to keep in. He took a breath, despite the fact that it was water. He shivered as he realized that he wasn't drowning.

"Why… why aren't we drowning?"

"My jutsu." Tobi said, getting annoyed with Itachi's stupid questions.

"But… We can breathe the water?"

"Yes."

Itachi kept questioning Tobi about his jutsu until they reached the science lab. For some reason, it was built right on the beach. How convenient!

Tobi jumped off the kraken, who very kindly dropped Itachi in the sand. He stood up and brushed his cloak off before looking up at the science lab. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't locked. Itachi and Tobi walked through the front door. All the Akatsuki members were trapped in different machines to make sure that they wouldn't escape.

"Have no fear, Tobi is here!" Tobi yelled. The scientists turned to look at the two ninjas. "Senpai, look at Tobi! Tobi is here to save you!"

Itachi groaned, annoyed that Tobi had ruined all hope of a stealth mission.

Well, between Tobi and Itachi, the poor scientists had no hope of winning. After most of them were down, the rest ran away. Well, all but one, anyway. The last one just looked at them with a horrified expression on his face.

"S-stay back!" He yelled.

"Release our organization, and we shall spare you. If you don't… Well… I think you know." Itachi threatened, holding up a bloodied kunai.

"Itachi-san, that's mean. Don't worry, we won't kill you." Tobi said. "That would be mean. Plus, this is a kids show! Right? Kids, tell Itachi to be nice!"

"Itachi, be nice!"

Itachi rolled his eyes and began walking toward the frightened scientist. The man threw an open bag of skittles at him, in a sad attempt to defend himself. Itachi chuckled before slipping on the many little candies. Everyone began to laugh as Itachi fell flat on his face. Itachi pulled himself up and grabbed the scientist by the collar of his shirt.

"You think that's funny!? Tsukuyomi!"

"Um… Itachi-san?" Tobi asked as the scientist began to scream at the top of his lungs.

"That's… unnecessary." Pein muttered from his container.

"The bastard deserves it." Hidan said.

While Itachi was busy torturing the poor scientist, Tobi went around releasing everyone from their containers. Kisame pried Itachi off the man when everyone was free.

"Time to go home." Pein said, taking command of everyone.

Of course, why waste a good bag of skittles? Tobi picked them up and followed everyone outside.

"What happened?" Konan asked, looking around the strangely kid-friendly beach.

"Tobi's jutsu happened." Itachi said.

"This is certainly a powerful jutsu. It's affected the entire landscape." Pein said.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"Indeed." Pein muttered, admiring the strange world.

"Are we leaving or not, un?" Deidara asked.

So, Tobi summoned his kraken again to take them across the ocean. Kakuzu was delighted when they reached the other side.

"Is that… a pot of gold?!"

"Yes. But… Tobi doesn't think it's a good idea to take it. Leprechauns might-"

"Shut up." Kakuzu said, dragging the pot over with his threads. Unfortunately, there was an overprotective leprechaun behind a bush a few feet away.

"Hey! Get away from me gold!"

"Back off, squirt." Kakuzu growled, holding the pot to his chest.

"Kakuzu…" Tobi muttered. "That's not a good idea."

"It's barely taller than my ankle. How much- OW!"

The leprechaun had quite a set of teeth on him. He bit into Kakuzu's leg, trying to make him drop the gold. Sadly, he didn't know about Kakuzu's jutsu. It was like biting a stone, which doesn't feel very good.

"ME TEETH!" It cried.

"Heh… That's right. Now back off."

So, Kakuzu got to keep his gold.

A few minutes later, Pein was fed up with the happy nature of the world. He called down a storm to make things a little more gloomy.

Everyone walked a little further until they reached a very large cliff. It was very far to the other side. Even ninjas couldn't jump that far.

"How are we supposed to get across that?" Sasori asked.

"See you on the other side. **Losers.**" Zetsu said, burrowing through the ground.

Konan flew across and waited for Pein, who simply levitated. Deidara flew across on a bird, deciding not to share with anyone. Sasori used his chakra strings to grapple his way across, and Kakuzu used his threads. That left Hidan, Itachi, Kisame and Tobi.

"What the fuck?! Get back here and help us!" Hidan yelled.

"You're ninjas. Figure it out yourselves." Pein said.

"What's this, some kind of test?!"

"Maybe."

"Tobi will use… the power of the rainbow!" Tobi yelled, holding up his bag of skittles.

"And what power is that?" Itachi asked.

"Believe in the rainbow… taste the rainbow." He said.

"It has to stop raining first, un." Deidara said.

Pein sighed and stopped the rain. To everyone's surprise, a rainbow formed across the gap.

"Tobi, you can't actually use a rainbow to get across a cliff." Itachi said.

"Says you." Tobi said, crawling up the colorful bridge. To everyone's surprise, it seemed that the rainbow was a solid object.

"Well that's convenient." Itachi said, stepping onto the bridge. Unfortunately, his foot went right through it.

"Itachi-san! You have to _believe_ in the rainbow!" Tobi said as he stepped onto the other side of the gap.

After about twenty minutes, it seemed that Hidan, Kisame, and Itachi couldn't step onto the bridge. Kakuzu finally got fed up with it and pulled them across with threads.

"You fail the test." Pein said, walking toward the base again.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Tobi, we're home. Now get rid of this jutsu." Itachi said.

"Huh?"

"I said turn it off."

"Tobi doesn't know how to do that." Tobi giggled.

"W-what? You don't know how to stop it?!"

"Nope!"

Itachi fell to the floor, curled up in a tight ball.

"Itachi-san? Are you okay?"

Then, he began to do something very strange. It started as a little chuckle, but eventually expanded into some kind of insane, hysterical laughter.

"Itachi-san?"

But he kept laughing. And laughing. And laughing.

And he didn't stop.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

A/N: Okay… done with that, finally. This chapter took me FOREVER. Hope you enjoyed it!

Disclaimer: I don't own the FBI, Naruto, or skittles.


	11. Catch the fillernin!

A/N: Well… Anyone who has seen the recent Naruto chapters has seen what Nagato REALLY looks like. In this fanfiction, I'm going to keep him the way he was before those chapters came out for two reasons.

1. In the manga, my inner fan-girl cries whenever I see how destroyed he is.

2. I don't think I could randomly say 'Oh, now he looks like an anorexic porcupine, okay?' and leave him like that from this chapter on.

Anyway, I was on spring break and one morning there was nothing on, so I watched 'Go, Diego, Go'. I'm basing this entire chapter off of that episode because it was ridiculous.

Oh, and a lot of people here have been giving me really good ideas! I'll probably use most (if not all) of them, but you know… gotta space 'em out. So looks like I won't be having writers block for a while!

* * *

"So, what are we going to call it?" Konan asked.

"I dunno… It has to be something… Hidan-ish." Kakuzu replied thoughtfully.

"Praise? Worship? Sacrifice?"

"I'll ask the audience or something…"

* * *

Oh… Oh… Oh… ah  
Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,  
this rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Deidara… Deidara… Deidara… Go, Deidara, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Deidara is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
blowing up each other is good for everyone!  
And there goes Deidara... Deidara… Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!

* * *

"Hi! I'm Deidara! I'm an Akatsuki Rescuer!" Deidara said, waving to the screen. "Um… Normally, Pein would be here… But, he's out on some super-secret mission today. So, instead, here's Hidan."

"Why are you making _me_ do this?" Hidan muttered.

"All you have to do is pull a lever and smile. Is that so hard?" Kakuzu asked.

Hidan looked down at Deidara. Why did he have to sit up in this stupid tree and pull a stupid lever? The lever was attached to what looked like some sort of canon… Why it was in a tree, Hidan wasn't quite sure.

"Go to hell."

"Hidan… Kid-friendly…"

"If you wanted a fucking kid-friendly person, pick someone else! Get Konan for the love of Jashin!"

"Uh… Guys? The camera's rolling, un." Deidara asked.

"Fine… Hello, you heathens." Hidan said, rolling his eyes.

"Hi, Hidan!" The kids said in unison.

"Today, I'm practicing some basic Akatsuki Rescuer skills, un!" Deidara said. "To be and Akatsuki Rescuer, you have to be able to catch falling objects… and people! I'm practicing by catching coconuts!"

"Coconuts?" Hidan asked. "Seriously?"

"Will you just shut up?" Kakuzu growled.

"Alright, Hidan! Pull the lever and send those coconuts flying! Kids, help me catch them!"

Then, a coconut flew out of the canon. It was coming toward Deidara at amazing speeds! It was going about as fast as a turtle! Deidara turned to look at the camera instead of the coconut.

"Help me catch them! Put your arms up in the air and… CATCH THEM; CATCH THEM, CA- OW!"

Deidara was interrupted by the coconut hitting him in the face.

"If you're gonna try to catch it, how about looking at the damn thing?" Hidan yelled, pulling the lever again. Unfortunately, this coconut went much faster than a turtle. It hit Deidara in the face again.

"Pay attention!" Hidan yelled.

"I was, un!"

Unfortunately, the next three hit him in the face, too.

"Hidan! Okay, stop, un! I'm not- OW! I just need- OW! If you would just st- OW!"

"Senpai! Tobi is coming to help you!" Tobi yelled, running out of the base. Unfortunately, the coconuts began hitting him, too.

"_Gai-sensei! I think that we are trapped!"_

"THAT SOUNDED LIKE TROUBLE, UN!" Deidara yelled, fleeing from the painful flying objects.

* * *

"Hey, Neji… get up, un." Deidara said, poking Neji. He didn't move.

"I told you how this is going to work, Deidara." Kakuzu said.

"…Fine… Kids! Say Byakugan!"

"Byakugan!"

"Louder, un!" Deidara yelled.

"BYAKUGAN!"

Neji got up and crawled out of his hole.

"One more time!" Deidara said.

"BYAKUGAN!"

"Say byakugan! Take a pic!  
Say byakugan! Take a pic!  
Yo soy Neji hyuuga! I can take a pic!  
I can see the member in trouble!  
Into the forest and out to the sea! To find the member just call on me!  
Say Byakugan! Take a pic!"

"Yay!" The kids yelled.

"Hi! I'm Neji Hyuuga! Deidara needs to find the person who sounds like this: _'Gai-sensei! I think that we are trapped!' _Will you help us find the person?"

"Yes!" The kids yelled.

"Great! Let's ZOOM across the land to find the person who says: _'Gai-sensei! I think that we are trapped!'_"

The camera zoomed into a dark forest.

"Is this the person?" Neji asked.

"_Itachi-san, we've been walking around all day. Obviously Tobi's jutsu has cleared up. Can we go home now?"_

"_No, Kisame. Not yet."_

"That's not it!" The kids yelled.

"Nope, that's Itachi and Kisame. Let's keep going!"

Then, the camera zoomed into Shino's house.

"Is THIS the person?"

"_That's right, little fleas… jump through the hoop! Come on!"_

"No!" The kids yelled.

"No, that's Shino… and a flea circus."

Finally, they zoomed over to the base of a cliff.

"_Gai-sensei! I think that we are trapped!_"

"Is this the person?"

"Yes!" The kids yelled.

"Yes! It's Gai-sensei and Lee! It looks like they're cornered at the base of a cliff!"

"By who?" Deidara asked.

"I dunno. Some regular filler-character ninjas."

"Filler-nin. How annoying, un."

"Well, if they're just filler people, I guess we can leave them alone." Kakuzu said. "Gai and Lee are reoccurring characters, they'll be fine."

"DEIDARA! COME OUT HERE AND GET THESE DAMN COCONUTS!" Hidan screamed.

"Um… No, Kakuzu. We should… help them, un." Deidara said, trying to avoid going back out to catch coconuts.

"Waste of money."

"No… uh… This is another episode and therefore _makes _money."

"Gai and Lee will probably find a way out before you get there."

"We can capture the filler-nin and use them for cheap labor, un."

"…Alright, fine…"

"Tobi, un! Let's go!"

* * *

"I hate you."

"The feeling is mutual. Now just stand still and look seductive or something." Kakuzu grumbled, adjusting the camera lens.

"_Seductive_? Why the fuck do I have to look _seductive _of all things? Seriously!"

"For the commercial."

"You're serious about this, aren't you?"

"More cash."

"Oh my Jashin… Find someone else, shithead."

"Fine! KONAN!"

"What?"

"GET THE COSPLAYERS!"

* * *

"Tobi, are you almost ready, un?"

"Yes, senpai." Tobi muttered, trying to bandage up his various injuries from the coconut incident. "We can go now."

"Alright. Let's go!" Deidara yelled as his bird took off into the sky.

Little did Deidara know, something was following him. Actually, a lot of things were following him. They chased after his bird, hiding behind various trees and bushes. Deidara glanced back just in time to see one of them duck behind a rock.

"Hey!" He yelled, pulling out a kunai. "Come out and fight, un!"

A few of them flew into the air, and pointed multi-colored spotlights around him.

"What's this? A jutsu?" Deidara asked.

Then, more of them came out, carrying various electronic devices, such as speakers, lights, and instruments. Deidara twitched as he realized what was going on.

"Oh, come on, un!" He yelled. "Do you really need all this stuff for… _this_?"

"Well we got a microphone… So, why not put on a show?" One of the parrots asked.

"Because it's annoying as hell, and you SO did not deserve that microphone." Deidara muttered.

Then, the parrot with the microphone flew into the spotlights, a creepy grin on its face. Deidara pulled out a wad of clay, but Tobi smacked it out of his hand.

"Senpai… let them try out their new gift!"

"No." Deidara said, picking the clay back up. Tobi tried to smack it out of his hand again, but Deidara molded the clay while holding Tobi back with his other hand and his leg.

"Go, Deidara, Go, Deidara, Go, Deidara, Al rescate, amigos, to the rescue my friends!" The parrot sang.

"Shut up!" Deidara yelled, opening his hand to reveal the same bird that had carried Gaara after extracting his demon. It took all of the parrots and their equipment into its mouth, and flew off.

"KATSU!"

_BOOM!_

"…Senpai, that wasn't nice…"

"Good, un."

* * *

"Alright, Tobi. We're here, un."

"Senpai… Are you sure we should… go down there?" Tobi asked, noticing that Gai and Lee were kicking ass.

"Let's just get it over with." Deidara muttered, sending his bird down toward the base of the cliff.

"More enemies?" Lee asked. "Gai-sensei, there are more!"

"We'll just have to fight them off, Lee!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei!"

So, Tobi and Deidara were dragged into the fight, even though they didn't want to be. Gai and Lee attacked them, completely ignoring the filler-nin unless they got too close. Deidara pulled his bird back up into the air to avoid being kicked.

"Do you mind, un? We're trying to _help_!"

"Don't let them trick you, Lee!"

"Yes, Gai-Sensei!" Lee yelled, jumping up and latching onto the bird's neck.

"Stop it or I'll blow your legs off!" Deidara yelled.

"Senpai, Kakuzu will be mad if you hurt the people we're trying to save." Tobi pointed out.

"I don't care, un." Deidara said before being kicked in the face, and falling off the bird.

"DAMN YOU!" Deidara screamed, catching himself on a nearby tree branch. "KATSU!"

So, Tobi and Lee were sent flying by the explosion.

"LEE!" Gai yelled, jumping up to catch the falling ninja. Tobi, on the other hand, was not so lucky. He flew into a pine tree. Pinecones rained down on Tobi's head, adding pinecones to his list of feared tree fruits.

"Now will you come with us, un?"

"You'll pay for that!" Gai warned.

"Yeah, yeah. Bring it, un."

Well… Gai brought it. He jumped up into the tree and punched Deidara into the ground. The forgotten filler-nin now sat against the cliff, watching the fight.

"I wonder who will win." Filler-nin number one asked.

"I dunno, they're all reoccurring characters." Filler-nin number two said.

"But Deidara and Tobi are villains, so Gai and Lee will probably win." Said the third filler-nin.

"True… But the fight will probably last for a long time. Much longer than ours." The first one replied.

* * *

Later:

"How many has it been now?"

"Three episodes…"

"And they're still going… But it looks like Deidara's getting tired…"

"Hn…"

"Senpai! Senpai! Use your clay or something! Punch! No, no! Dodge!" Tobi instructed.

"SHUT UP, UN!" Deidara screamed back, just before attempting to avoid Gai's foot.

"Sounds kinda like a Pokémon battle, here." One of the filler-nin said.

"It does…"

Then, Gai punched Deidara in the stomach, sending him into a nearby tree.

"Oh, that is _it_!" Deidara yelled, pulling himself up pointing at the camera.

"Yay! Go, senpai!" Tobi giggled.

"Kids… Say rescue clay." Deidara said, an evil grin forming on his face.

"RESCUE CLAY!" The kids yelled.

"Wow, they stuck around for _three_ episodes?" A filler-nin asked.

"They're dedicated, un." Deidara said before his clay bag jumped out into a sunbeam shining through the trees.

"Alright, this works as a spotlight…" The bag muttered. "Anyway… I'm rescue clay. Comin' to the rescue! Arráscate! Rescue clay! Comin' to the rescue! I'm rescue clay, I got your leg. I can turn into an Camel or a Tamarack! A snow hare, a blue bird, whatever you need! We can do it! Nothing to it! I'm rescue clay! Comin' to the rescue! Arráscate! Rescue clay! Comin' to the rescue! I'm rescue clay!"

"Senpai… what are you going to use?" Tobi asked.

"The kids can decide how painful Gai's death will be…" Deidara hissed.

"But… We can't kill him; we're here to save him. Plus, Lee would freak out."

"…Fine, how painful his knock-out is… And Lee is unconscious; He'll get over it, un!"

"Can a _bird_ knock Gai out?" The bag asked.

"yes." The kids said.

"No, get something bigger." Deidara instructed.

"Um… alright… Can a… can a bigger bird knock him out?"

"Something bigger!" Deidara yelled again.

"Fine! Can a friggin' clay dragon knock him out?" The clay bag yelled.

"Don't use that tone with me!" Deidara growled. "And yeah, get me a dragon."

The bag spit out his dragon and jumped back to his spot on Deidara's belt while muttering something about 'a bossy little bitch'.

"Finally." Deidara muttered, jumping on the Dragon's head.

* * *

2 episodes later:

"Five… friggin'… episodes…" Filler-nin number seven growled.

"Well at least it's over." One of them pointed out.

"FIVE!" Number seven screamed.

"Calm down…"

"Alright… Tobi, get Lee. Let's get out of here, un." Deidara said, throwing Gai up on the dragon's back.

"Yes, senpai!" Tobi giggled, lifting Lee over his shoulder. "Wait, didn't we promise Kakuzu that we'd take the filler-nin back?"

"Ah… yes. Yes we did. FILLER-NIN, LISTEN UP!"

The filler-nin looked at Deidara, their faces filled with jealousy after seeing that he could actually defeat Gai and Lee.

"I need to bring you back to our base, un."

"What for?" Number seven yelled.

"…Um… To train you… so that you can… actually do something. Yeah. Train you, un."

The filler-nin practically threw themselves onto Deidara's dragon, overjoyed that they might not be losers anymore.

"That was easy…" Deidara muttered, climbing onto the Dragon's head.

* * *

Later, when they were still flying home on the giant clay dragon, something weird happened.

"Hey, Three…" Filler-nin two whispered.

"What?"

"Look down there…" he muttered, pointing down at what seemed to be a massive battle.

"…What about it…?"

"Isn't that filler-nin number twenty-one thousand and forty-two?"

"…Yep… And there's number twenty-two thousand and sixty-five… and number twenty-eight thousand and-"

"There are a lot of them down there, we get it." Seven interrupted.

"Yeah, but they're all getting killed!" Number two yelled.

"So? We're safe." Seven muttered.

"Don't you care?"

"No… there are billions of us; nobody will miss a couple thousand."

"I will!"

"…Good for you…"

So, filler-nin number two ran up to the front of the dragon, and practically tackled Deidara.

"What the hell, un?"

"Y-you gotta help them!"

"…huh…?"

The filler-nin grabbed Deidara's ponytail, and pointed him in the direction of the giant battle.

"Why should I?" Deidara asked, pulling his ponytail out of the filler-nin's hand.

"b-but-"

"Shut up and go back to your seat."

"Senpai… that's mean."

"No it's not, un."

Filler-nin two ran back to his seat, and started sobbing.

"Don't be such a baby." Seven growled.

"Kids, don't you think Senpai is being mean?" Tobi asked.

"Yes!" The kids yelled.

"Too bad, un."

Then, Deidara's palm-mouth opened, and began talking to him.

"Not again, un."

"Deidara, get the filler-nin. Now."

"Kakuzu, it's pointless, un! And how did you know what I was doing?"

"You're on TV; it's not hard to spy on you. Now get them or else I'll-"

"You'll what?" Deidara interrupted.

"I'll… I won't buy anymore of your clay!"

"I'll buy it myself."

"I'm in control of your paycheck."

"No you're not, un. Leader-sama is."

"I'm in control of the finances, and therefore, your paycheck."

"But-"

"Get them."

"…Fine…"

So, Deidara turned his dragon in the direction of the fight.

"Who the hell are they battling, anyway?"

"Team seven, obviously." Kakuzu said.

"But Sasuke isn't-"

"Don't question it. Just go with it."

"…okay… Do you want me to catch them, too?"

"No." Kakuzu said, before turning off his walkie-talkie.

"Alright then, un. Tobi, you ready?"

"Yes, Senpai!"

However, it seemed that team seven was about to make things much easier. A filler-nin got thrown into the air, flying right at Deidara.

"Catch him!" Filler-nin number two yelled.

"…Can't be any worse than the coconuts… Okay kids! Put your arms out in front of you and… CATCH HIM, CATCH HIM, CATCH HIM!"

Surprisingly, this filler-nin was actually caught, instead of causing Deidara bodily harm.

"Another one is coming." Seven said.

"Oh… Okay, un. CATCH HIM, CA-"

"That one's a girl." Seven corrected.

"O-oh… CATCH HER, CATCH HER, CATCH HER!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Sasori was on the computer, surfing E-bay.

"Alright… Let's see here... DVDs…" He muttered.

"Hey… Uh… **Sasori**?" Zetsu asked.

"Hm?"

"M-maybe you… shouldn't… **Don't look in that section.**"

"Why not?"

"…**Just**… because."

"I don't see the big deal… it's not like…" Sasori's voice trailed off. If he had any blood, his face would've turned bright red.

"Um… I-I tried to warn you… **You didn't listen**."

"KAKUZU!" Sasori screamed.

"What do you want?" Kakuzu growled, walking into the computer room.

"WHAT IS THIS?" Sasori yelled, grabbing Kakuzu's head, and slamming it into the computer screen.

"…Uh… a fan-made… animation? Yeah."

"Doesn't look like an animation." Sasori growled.

"There are some really good animators out there."

"Then how would this animator happen to know _exactly_ what Deidara and I did on Christmas night?"

"Coincidence…?"

Then, the doorbell rang. Kakuzu pushed Sasori off, and ran to the door.

"Who's there?"

"It's me, un. The door is locked."

"Oh… Um… I think something in the report said you had to use more Spanish. Say 'Abre'."

"…Why…?"

"It means 'open' in Spanish. Just do it."

"Fine… Abre."

"Again."

"Abre."

"Again, Deidara. Put some energy into it.

"…_**Abre**_…"

"More."

"ABRE."

"More."

Deidara didn't respond.

"More, I said!"

"KATSU!"

So, the door exploded, and sent Kakuzu flying across the room.

The filler-nin flooded into the base, excited to see their new training base.

"Alright… Tobi, let's go do the computer thing with Gai and Lee…"

Deidara and Tobi walked into the computer room, and stood face-to-face with an angry Sasori.

"Uh… Hi, un."

Sasori moved away from the computer to show Deidara the screen.

"W-what the… How did that get there, un?"

Sasori shrugged, too angry to say anything.

"…I'll deal with that later, un…" Deidara hissed, bringing up the puzzle application.

"Does Gai wear a GREEN suit, or a RED suit?" Tobi asked.

"Green!" The kids yelled.

"Green, right!" Tobi yelled, clicking on the correct puzzle piece.

"Does Gai teach team seven, or team nine?"

Yes, because the Kids know these things. They didn't respond.

"Nine, right!" Deidara yelled, moving the next piece into place.

"Is Gai a man or a woman?" Tobi asked.

"Man!"

"A man, right!" Tobi said, moving the third into place.

"Hey, un. We're almost done with the puzzle! Is Gai old or youthful?"

"Old!" The kids yelled.

"Yep, he's old." Deidara said, moving the last piece into place.

However, that insult happened to wake Gai up from his unconscious state.

"D-Did you just call me… _old_?"

"Y-yes, un?"

"I am youthful!" Gai screamed, punching Deidara into a wall.

"Um… Maybe you should turn the camera off." Sasori muttered, walking up to the camera man.

"Yes, sir." The camera man muttered.

"WAIT!" Kakuzu yelled.

"What do you want?" Sasori growled.

"I… have to ask… the audience… What we should name… Hidan's… new hair gel… line…" Kakuzu muttered.

* * *

A/N: That was longer than I thought it would be. I think I also accidentally gave filler-nin two and seven more of a character than I was supposed to… Oh well! Hope you liked it, see you next time?


	12. What really happened

A/N: I've decided NOT to do the Pokémon episode. I just can't possibly do it in 2-3 chapters. So, I started the actual complete fanfiction. You should be able to find it on my page; it's got a very obvious name. (Pokémon: Naruto league. I'm so creative.) Instead, here's what actually happened when 'Ash' came to the Akatsuki lair.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

_Ding-Dong!_

"What?" Pein asked, yanking the door open.

"Are you Pein?"

"…Yes… Who are you?"

"I'm Ash Ketchum! And I'm here to capture you!"

"Are you serious?" Pein sighed.

"Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" Ash yelled, placing a stuffed Pikachu at his feet.

"_Pika! CHUUUUU!_" It yelled.

"If you are trying to harm me with a voice recording inside a doll, I should tell you now that it's not going to work."

"It's not affected?!" Ash yelled. "Must be a ground type… Go! Charizard!" He yelled, taking a small plastic Charizard out of his pocket. "Use flame-thrower!"

Ash held down a small button on the back of the Charizard. Small plastic flames coming out of the toy's mouth began to light up.

"…Trying to blind me with lights now…?" Pein asked.

"What?! A water _and_ ground type maybe… Charizard, use Fly!"

"Now, I'm really not sure how a piece of plastic is going to-" Pein began. Ash interrupted him by throwing the plastic toy at his head. It bounced off his headband.

"This Pokémon… It's too powerful… But I'm not going to give up!"

"I'm quickly losing what little faith I have in humanity." Pein said.

"Let's try a Pokéball… Pokéball, go!" He yelled, throwing a miniature Pokéball at Pein. It stopped after hitting his cloak. It fell to the ground, where Pein crushed it with his foot.

"No… Looks like we'll have to retreat for now… But listen to me! I vowed to become a Pokémon master! I'll be back someday, and I _will_ capture you!" Ash screamed, running off into the forest.

"Damn cosplayers." Pein growled, slamming the door shut.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

A/N: If you DO want to see the Pokémon crossover, go find it in my stories.


	13. Akatsuki and the Mary Sue pt 1

A/N: This episode thing will be a 2-3-parter, to make up for my absence. It'll be slightly more violent/awkward than usual, just for you! (Yay, violence!)

Obviously, I'm not posting all the parts at once, but it won't take me weeks/months at a time to get one done… Hopefully. Scratch that, who knows how long it'll take. But, I'll update. I swear.

Also, I've seen Juubi (The ten-tails) spelled two ways. Juubi and Jubi. I'll just call it Juubi, okay? Also, if you don't know what the ten-tails is, I suggest you go read the new chapters, or this is MASSIVE spoilers in here.

* * *

Oh… Oh… Oh… ah  
Go Deidara Go!  
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild  
Coming to the rescue is a very special child  
molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,  
this rough and tough adventurer is working all the time  
Yo Viene Deidara… Deidara… Deidara… Go, Deidara, Go!  
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride  
Deidara is on the road with Little Tobi by his side  
discovering together, yeah were always having fun  
blowing up each other is good for everyone!  
And there goes Deidara... Deidara… Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!

* * *

"Hi, I'm Deidara, and this is my boss, Pein! We're Akatsuki rescuers, un!"

"Deidara-senpai?"

"What?"

"…Leader-sama is not here…"

"Huh?"

Deidara turned around to find that Pein had indeed left the area.

"How the heck are we supposed to do the show if he keeps leaving?" Kakuzu yelled.

"We could get a double or something." The camera man suggested.

"A double? Of _that_ guy? Yeah, good luck finding one."

"There's nobody in danger, anyway. Can't we just wait until we NEED to make an episode?" Deidara asked.

"Deidara, there hasn't been danger in months."

"No danger in the ninja world? We are Akatsuki, and there are ninja battles happening everywhere at any given time, how is there nobody who needs help, un?"

"I don't know, but we would probably have to stage something at this point."

"_AAAAHHHHHHH!"_

"What was that?" Tobi asked.

"Screams of terror! Music to my ears!" Kakuzu said, skipping over to Neji's trap door.

"Hey, Neji! Danger! Get up!"

Neji didn't move. He just stayed at the bottom of his hole.

"…Oh, right… Deidara, come here and get Neji up."

"Hey, kids! Say 'Byakugan'!" Deidara said.

"_Byakugan!"_

"Louder!"

"_**Byakugan!"**_

Neji jumped up, suddenly invigorated by the children's yelling.

"Say byakugan! Take a pic!  
Say byakugan! Take a pic!  
Yo soy Neji hyuuga! I can take a pic!  
I can see the member in trouble!  
Into the forest and out to the sea! To find the member just call on me!  
Say Byakugan! Take a pic!"

"Neji, Neji! There's danger!" Kakuzu said.

"Really?"

"Isn't it wonderful?"

"Not really…"

"Stop ruining my moment, destiny boy."

"…Right… Anyway… Hi, kids!"

"_Hi, Neji!"_

"Deidara needs help finding the person that says '_AAAAHHHHHHH!'_."

"You know, a lot of people could be doing that, un. It's pretty generic." Deidara pointed out.

"Shut up." Kakuzu growled.

"Can _you_ help us find the person who says '_AAAAHHHHHHH!'_?"

"_Yeah!"_

"Is THIS the person?"

The camera zoomed in on Naruto, who was currently receiving a bowl of Ramen at Ichiraku.

"_Aaaahhhhhhh… This stuff is the best!"_

"Uh… Yeah, I guess that kinda fits the description." Deidara said.

"No, that was an 'aaaahhhhhhh' of comfort, not of terror." Kakuzu said.

"_No!"_ The kids agreed.

"Is _this_ the person?" Neji asked again, zooming further.

"_AAAAHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD!"_

"_AAAAHHHHHHH!"_

"_EEEEEK!"_

A bunch of girls ran around in circles, grabbing towels from the hot springs to cover themselves.

"_Jiraiya, you pervert!"_

"_It's just research!"_

"Again, that fits the criteria, un."

"Those were _multiple_ screams, not one." Kakuzu corrected.

"_Nope!"_ The kids agreed.

"Is THIS the person?" Neji asked again, zooming away from the hot springs.

"_AAAAHHHHHHHH!"_

"How about that, un? Does _that_ work for you, Kakuzu?"

"Yes! Who is it, Neji?"

"I don't know, actually."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"It's a girl; I've never seen her before."

"What does she look like?"

"Uh… She's got some dark… purple-ish hair, and… Her eyes are some weird red-ish color, and she's wearing a really tiny skirt and fishnets."

"…She's not wearing a shirt…?" Kakuzu asked.

"No, she is. It's just extremely low cut and form-fitting."

"What's her problem?"

"It looks like some guy is trying to kill her."

"Who?"

"I think it's Orochimaru… and Sasuke, maybe. I can't tell."

"Whatever. Deidara, go get her."

"Why? We don't even know who she is!"

"There's nobody else to save, so go get her!"

"But what if she's-?"

"GO!"

"Alright, alright, un."

"Deidara-senpai, this will be fun!" Tobi giggled. "We haven't had a mission in a long time!"

"Fun, un?"

"Yeah! Come on, let's go!"

Tobi practically cart wheeled out the door, and waited for his less enthusiastic senpai to join him.

"What are we riding today, senpai! Eagle? Owl? Dragon?"

"_Dragon! Dragon! Dragon!_" The kids chanted.

"Alright, alright. Dragon, un."

Deidara took a few minutes to make his dragon, which made Tobi rather impatient. After multiple questions, including things like 'are you done yet?', and 'are you ready?', Deidara spit out his dragon, and jumped on. Tobi followed, flailing with excitement.

"Senpai, this will be so fun! Where is she, where is she?"

"From the sound of things, she's at Orochimaru's base."

"Let's go, then!"

"I forgot how much I didn't like doing this…" Deidara mumbled, wondering how long it would take to get to Orochimaru.

"Be happy, senpai. At least we don't have to go around doing _boring _missions, right?"

"…I guess, un…"

The first few minutes of the flight were extremely uneventful. Tobi began to get bored.

"Hey, senpai?"

"Hm?"

"What happened to the singing parrots? Where are they?"

"I don't know, un. Who cares?"

"Tobi wants them to sing!"

"Why? Why would you want them to _sing_! They're horrible singers, and they don't ever shut up!"

"_No, Deidara, no!"_

"Damn it, Tobi! You see what you did? They're coming!"

"Their song is different today, senpai."

"Huh?"

"_Don't go!" _One of the parrots yelled, flying up to Deidara _"It's a horrible idea!"_

"That's what I said, but Kakuzu won't listen."

"The girl you're going after is _crazy_!" Another told him.

"That's nothing new, un."

"No, really! You shouldn't save her!"

"That's all I needed to hear!" Deidara said, turning his bird around.

"SENPAI!"

"What, Tobi? What?"

"Kakuzu-san will be angry! Do you want him to be angry?"

"He'll get over it, un."

"Leader-sama won't be happy, either."

"Leader-sama doesn't even know we're here, and we have no idea where he is. So… I'm sure he'll be fine with it."

"Senpai. Turn the bird around or Tobi will attack you."

"Yeah, as if _that _would do anything." Deidara scoffed.

Tobi wasn't kidding. He pounced on Deidara, and threw his clay overboard. The parrots joined the fight, trying to stop Tobi. During all this, Deidara accidentally threw his bird off-course, and sent it flying into Orochimaru's base. The bird slammed into the door before Deidara got rid of it.

"We're already here, right?" Tobi asked. "Senpai, let's go get this girl!"

"FINE, UN!"

Deidara pushed the door open, and made his way inside. Nobody was in the hallway, and there was no fight going on. Was it already over?

"H-hello, un?"

"_Is… someone there? Please! Help me, please!"_

"I hear trouble!" Tobi said.

"Yeah… but we're at a fork, here, un… Which way do we go?"

"Kids! Help Tobi and Deidara find where the voice is coming from!" The parrot said, flying up to the camera.

"Is this the path?" Tobi asked, pointing to the left."

"_Shut up, Karin! Nobody wants to know about your creepy fantasies!"_

"_NO!" _The kids yelled.

"Is this the way?"

"_Please, help!"_

"_Yeah!"_

Tobi, Deidara, and the parrots followed the voice to another door, which was locked. Luckily, it wasn't hard to knock down with a kick.

"Who are you, un? There was some fight going on in here, and you were involved. Tell me your name!" Deidara demanded.

"_I… Please, get me out of here… Please."_

The girl who Deidara had been sent to rescue stood in front of him now, and she looked rather pathetic. Her eyes were wet from crying, and her clothes were torn. It didn't help that her outfit was pretty skimpy in the first place.

"You don't look so good…" Tobi muttered.

The girl pushed herself into Deidara, leaning on him for support.

"I… can't walk too far… I'm too injured." She whined.

"Kakuzu will fix that when we get back to the base. Tobi, carry her."

Tobi heaved the girl over his shoulder, and brought her back outside. Deidara jumped back on his bird, and helped Tobi up.

"We warned you." One of the parrots growled. "You'll regret this, Deidara."

"Yeah, yeah."

* * *

"Thanks for saving me… H-how can I repay you?"

"Tell me your name, and everything I should know about you, un." Deidara said.

"My name is Rei Hitomi… Just call me Rei."

"Rei?"

"It means 'nothing'…"

"I know. Leader-sama has that on his ring, un."

"Leader-sama? You have a leader?"

"None of your business. Hitomi means 'pupil', doesn't it?"

"Yeah… It's given to girls with pretty eyes."

"Your eyes _are_ kinda weird."

"You have no idea."

"…Right… Where are you from?"

"I'm from Amegakure, originally… Orochimaru caught me, though…"

"Rain village, huh? Leader-sama is, too…"

"How come your eyes are so funny?" Tobi asked.

"These aren't my real eyes…"

"Huh?"

"I have a tailed beast inside of me."

"W-what?" Deidara yelled. "And we've never heard of you!"

"How many tails?" Tobi asked, trying to keep his voice high-pitched.

"The Jubbi. The Ten Tailed beast."

"WHAT?" Madara screamed, unable to keep his Tobi voice.

"T-Tobi, are you okay, un?"

"Um… Y-yes, senpai. Tobi is… fine."

"Anyway… The ten-tails? I thought there were only nine."

"There are ten. The tenth beast is the original. You haven't heard the legend?"

"No, un."

"The ten-tails was the original tailed beast. But, it was split into nine beasts so that its power wouldn't destroy the world."

"But… the other tailed beasts are still around. How can you have the ten-tails if the others are still around?"

"Juubi isn't powerful anymore… he's a shell of his former self. But… my village sealed him inside of me so that it wouldn't have the chance to regain all the power."

"Hanzo of the Salamander sealed Juubi inside of you?" Tobi asked.

"Yes…"

"Hanzo? Didn't Leader-sama-?"

Tobi covered Deidara's mouth, and glared at him.

"Quiet, senpai!"

"Hey, I'm the 'senpai' here! Don't tell me what to do, Tobi!"

"…You're being very kind to me… Who are you?" Rei interrupted.

"You'll find out soon enough. Don't worry about it, un."

* * *

"Hey, Kakuzu! We got the girl!"

"Finally! It took you idiots long enough! Who is she?"

"Her name's Rei Hitomi, or something. Hey, what do we do with her, un?"

"I dunno… just… let her go, I guess."

"We can't do that!" Tobi yelled.

"Why not?" Kakuzu growled.

"Rei-chan has a tailed beast!"

"I'll… go get Leader-sama."

"Where is he, anyway, un?"

"He went back upstairs when we were filming. He's apparently mapping out his plan for world domination."

* * *

"He'll be here in a minute." Konan said, walking into the room. "Where is this girl, anyway?"

"K-Konan-chan?" Rei yelled.

"…Do I know you…?"

"I haven't seen you since we were kids! Are you okay?"

"Um… Yes. Where did we meet, again?"

"Are you saying… you don't remember your own sister?"

"You have a sister, un?" Deidara asked.

"Oh, Konan! I've missed you!" Rei sobbed, hugging her very confused 'sister'.

"I... Don't remember you." Konan said.

"You must've lost your memory, or something."

Before Konan could say anything about that, Pein walked in, and began to stare at Rei.

"This is the Juubi?" He asked.

Rei turned around to see who was talking, and suddenly went pale.

"Are you okay?" Tobi asked.

"T-that… That man… Pein."

"Leader-sama, to you." Konan growled.

The girl opened her mouth, and began to scream at the top of her lungs. Konan and Deidara covered their ears, while everyone else just stared at her. Pein's face remained completely blank. He was the leader of Akatsuki, as far as everyone knew. It was natural for people to be afraid.

"Are you quite finished?" Kakuzu yelled.

"Konan-chan, why are you here? With this… murderer!" Rei asked.

"He is not a murderer." Konan said.

"You can call me your god." Pein told her.

"Y-you killed our parents! You bastard!" Rei screamed.

"Wait, what?" Konan asked. "Killed our parents?"

"How could you not remember, dear sister? He killed mom and dad! We barely escaped!"

"He was the same age as I was when my parents died, what are you talking about? Pein didn't exist! It was just Yahiko and Nagato!"

"It was so violent and brutal… Oh, Konan… He must've hurt you somehow. A-are you okay?"

"What are you suggesting?" Konan asked.

"I would never hurt her, you fool. You, on the other hand, are becoming fair game." Pein said.

"This girl is insane," Konan muttered.

"Please, Konan… tell me what he has done to you! He must be threatening you! You're too scared to say anything, aren't you?"

"Get her out of here." Pein growled. "Lock her up."

"Yes, sir." Kakuzu said, dragging Rei away.

"Crazy little bitch, isn't she?" Konan muttered.

"She will pay for suggesting such things."

"Let her think whatever she wants. That's torture enough, isn't it?"

* * *

A/N: There's part one. Part two and possible three coming later!


	14. Akatsuki and the Mary Sue pt 2

A/N: Okay, I might've just figured out what the Juubi is. Nobody ever explained it in the manga, but I think I've figured it out. Maybe. I could be wrong.

Also, just to clarify:

Dein is the body of Pein who looks a bit like Deidara, and used animal summons. Also known as the first Animal realm.

Kein is the one with the longest hair, and I think that it was Human Realm.

Fein is the female body, and the other Animal Realm.

* * *

"I don't understand how she could have the Juubi inside of her. The Juubi was destroyed, and turned into nine different tailed beasts. Besides that, we have the Juubi's actual body in our possession… How can this be?" Madara said.

"She could be lying." Konan suggested. "That wouldn't be anything new."

"That's true… But, perhaps it is the tenth tail. The actual tail, I mean. The nine tailed beasts each give him their power, and one of their tails… this is the tenth and final tail." Pein suggested.

"Yes, that could be it… But, before we can seal the Juubi, we have to seal the other nine beasts. But, we'll deal with that in the morning… It's late right now. I'll get Deidara to feed her, go to bed."

"Right."

* * *

"I don't understand why _we_ have to feed her, un…"

"Senpai, we just have to bring down a plate of food… What's so bad about it?" Tobi asked.

"I was busy."

"Doing what?"

"Sleeping! It's late, un! And why the hell does the camera guy have to come with us?! We're not even filming an episode right now!"

"Senpai, we're ninjas. We're supposed to be ready for anything at any given moment. And the camera man is named Carl. Be nice to him. Plus, he's taping some extra stuff to go under 'bonus scenes' in the DVD!"

"I know that, but couldn't we just make her wait until breakfast? And since when do you know the camera man's name? Also, when did we decide to make a DVD?"

Tobi didn't answer Deidara's questions, and the three of them walked to Rei's room in silence. When they opened the door, Rei was sitting in the corner, trying to look as cute and pitiful as humanly possible.

"Here's your dinner."

Rei took her food, and hopefully up at Deidara.

"Can you let me out of here?" She squeaked.

"Um… No. What kind of stupid question is that?"

"I just… I don't like it here."

"You're not _supposed_ to like it here, you're a prisoner."

"Your leader is a monster…"

"That's… off-topic. And yeah, most people would say that. Join the club."

"Really? I like your leader." Carl said.

"Yay, Carl!" Tobi yelled, holding out his hand for a high-five.

"He's a horrible human being! He deserves to die! I hope Konan kills him!"

"Konan? Kill Leader-sama? I don't think that would happen." Tobi said.

"Why is she so afraid of him? Konan was so strong when we were kids… what happened to her?"

"She's still strong, and Leader-sama is the last thing she'd be afraid of…" Deidara told Rei.

"Senpai, let's go. Tobi is tired."

Sadly, Deidara and Tobi were not going to sleep in their own beds anytime soon. Rei jumped up, and pulled Deidara into a kiss, which was completely uncalled for. Carl was amused by this, and made sure to zoom in on it.

"WHAT THE HELL, UN?!" Deidara screamed, shoving her away. Deidara and Tobi were so busy being mentally scarred that they didn't notice Rei run out the door, and lock them inside.

"S-Senpai! She locked the door!"

"Move, I'll blow it down!"

"Senpai, this door is unbreakable! Don't you remember? It was supposed to hold really tough prisoners!"

"Damn it!"

"Hey, she left her dinner here!" Carl said.

* * *

Meanwhile, the rest of Akatsuki was having a much better evening.

"That meeting took a lot longer than I expected." Konan muttered.

"It's over now, but we have a lot of work to do in the morning. Go to sleep."

"And where exactly are _they_ going?" She asked, watching three of his other bodies walk outside.

"I might as well get some of it done now."

So, she watched Kein and Dein follow Fein outside, and then headed over to her own room.

"Only three of you are going?"

"Only three are needed right now." He told her.

Pein followed her into her room and shut the door, leaving it almost pitch black. Konan ran her hand along the wall to find the light switch, but instead found another hand.

"Leave them off."

"Nagato, I thought you were busy." Konan said, running her hand up his arm.

"That's why it's nice to have a bunch of other bodies. Multitasking is easier."

That was certainly true. With so many puppets off doing his dirty work, Nagato was free to do what he pleased. Tonight, Konan happened to be on the top of his list. Pein remained simply as a guard, making sure that nobody would be interrupting them.

* * *

"Aaaahhh… Jashin…"

Rei –who had no idea how to navigate the endless hallways and stairwells of the Akatsuki base – accidentally stumbled upon Hidan, who was in the middle of one of his sacrifices.

"O-oh my god! Are you okay?!" She yelled, running up to him.

"W-what? Hey, get the hell out of here, I'm busy!"

"Don't worry, I'll get this thing out of you!" Rei offered, pulling the stake out of Hidan's chest.

"What do you think you're doing?! I was in the middle of praising Lord Jashin! You've ruined the ritual!"

"Huh?"

"I'm going to kill you, little bitch!" Hidan yelled, pushing himself up. Rei turned around and took off, trying to find a hiding spot.

* * *

"Deidara, how long could it possibly take to drop off a plate of food?!" Sasori asked, talking to nobody but himself. The puppet master recalled that Deidara had been off to feed Rei quite a while ago. So, he had decided to go and find out what was taking so long. When he discovered that the door had been locked, he realized that maybe Rei was smarter than she looked.

"Sasori no Danna, where's Rei!?" Deidara yelled, pushing the door open as soon as Sasori had unlocked it.

"I don't know. Why, did she get out?"

"She tricked me, and locked us in here!"

"Us?"

"Hi, there." Carl said, waving to Sasori.

"Ah, Sasori! Thanks for letting us out!" Tobi giggled, prancing out the door.

"OH MY GOD! HELP ME!"

Sasori, Deidara, Tobi and Carl watched as Rei ran by, with Hidan close behind her, screaming about how he was going to kill her.

"Found her." Sasori said.

Everybody ran after Rei, who now had a nice little group of homicidal maniacs following her. After a few more minutes of running aimlessly around the base, Rei happened to find a door that was clearly labeled 'KONAN'. Rei pounded on the door, hoping to be let inside.

"Konan, let me in! They're going to kill me!"

* * *

"N-Nagato… The door."

"It's locked, don't worry about it."

Pein also happened to be leaning against the door, just in case the it happened to open. Rei screamed one last time before two gigantic blades came flying into Konan's door. It happened to be the top of Hidan's scythe, which –sadly– had missed Rei, and hit Pein. Hidan pulled his scythe back, only to pull the door away with it. Deidara pushed Rei into the room, and tackled her, while Hidan used his scythe to pin Rei down by her shirt.

"Hah! Got you now, Rei! We're going to lock you up again, and then you're not coming out until we _kill_ you, un!"

"Um… S-Senpai?"

"What, Tobi?!"

Deidara and Hidan looked where Tobi was pointing, and immediately felt very awkward. Nagato and Konan were standing a few feet away, and looked as if they had been busy.

"Um… Hi, Leader-sama… Konan."

"Hey, Leader-sama! Gettin' lucky tonight, huh?" Hidan laughed.

"GET OUT!" Nagato screamed.

"Alright, alright, we're going…. Sheesh." Hidan muttered.

"W-what the hell are you doing to my sister?!" Rei asked.

"What does it _look_ like I'm doing to your 'sister'?" Nagato growled.

"Get off of her!"

"You know, whatever you're thinking, I can assure you that this is completely consensual."

"Liar!"

"It's always consensual if they're unconscious." Hidan said.

"…What?"

"Or sacrificed."

"Get your filthy hands off of her, or I'll kill you!" Rei screamed.

"You? Kill me? Kill a god?" Nagato asked.

Rei somehow managed to push Deidara off, and pull herself out from under Hidan's scythe. Her eyes changed from the strange color that they usually were, into the Sharingan in her left eye, and the Rinnegan in the other.

"The Sharingan? And the Rinnegan? What?" Konan asked.

"I… said… get off." Rei growled.

However, Madara wasn't going to let Rei hurt anybody at the moment, because that would cost them a lot of time. He grabbed her, and pinched a nerve in the neck, causing her to pass out almost immediately.

"Tobi will take her back to the holding chamber!"

So, everyone left the room, leaving Konan and Nagato alone again. However, since the door had been ripped right off the wall, the two of them decided to go to Nagato's room, where he posted Preta and Naraka path at his door to make sure that they wouldn't be interrupted again.

"Her eyes…" Konan whispered, struggling to keep her thoughts straight.

"Deal with it tomorrow." Nagato told her.

* * *

The next day:

"I assume you had fun last night, didn't you?" Madara asked. Nagato ignored his question, and followed him down to Rei's holding chamber.

"How is it possible that she has the Rinnegan and the Sharingan?"

"She might've had one when she was born, and stolen the other later." Madara suggested.

"True…"

* * *

When Konan woke up, she discovered that Nagato had already left to take care of other things. This wasn't exactly anything new, so she simply got out of bed, and headed for the bathroom. She took a shower, and got dressed. While she was putting the flower back in her hair, the door flew open.

"Deidara?! Haven't you learned to knock yet?!"

Deidara ignored her, and slammed the door closed behind him. After locking it, he ran up to Konan, and grabbed the collar of her cloak.

"They're after me, un!"

"Who?"

"They're all after me! Every single one! They're crazy! I'm going to die at this rate!"

"Deidara, what are you talking about?"

"Itachi, Hidan, Sasori, Tobi, Zetsu, Kisame, even Leader-sama… All of them! Except Carl… Carl isn't after me."

"What do you mean they're 'after you'?"

"_Come on out, blondie! I've got a surprise for you!" _Hidan laughed from outside.

"Hear him?!"

"Hidan? That's what you're afraid of? Hidan? Really?"

"Don't let him hurt me!" Deidara wailed, falling to his knees.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Deidara? Why aren't you out there kicking his ass? This isn't normal, you're usually so… capable."

"I don't want to die, un!" Deidara sobbed, tears suddenly falling down his face.

"Are you _crying_? You can't be; that's not normal."

"Just… get me out of here, un!"

* * *

A/N: Dun-Dun-Dun! Next chapter will be the last 'Rei' chapter, I think. But, this was fun to write, and it certainly put some life back in my OTP.


End file.
